You don't care about her

I don't see a reason why you would act this way. Has being a follower gotten you far in the past? Have mistreating people given you a drive to become a better person? 

I always tried to understand people but I realized it's an impossible task. How can you count the atoms of the air? You can't just pick a flower and be able to tell the exact species and correct shade of the petals without knowing a lot of detail about it. I guess this is my final point. I can't keep doing myself this. Guessing about a person hoping that some magical thing is gonna happen overnight. 

Sometimes when life throws you lemons, you just gotta throw it back and say no thanks... I'm feeling for grape juice today. I haven't felt this hurt in years. I used to be a better person. I could have brought myself up to standards. I could have motivated myself and stood my ground. One person can have you so weak and low. One person can strip you of all your abilities just like kryptonite. 

She is so brave. I admire her strength. Strength for two and a mind of one because clearly you don't consider her to mean as much to you as you claim. Where do I look for comfort? Only God can patch the wounds that run core deep. I am no longer that girl who begs for attention. I no longer have those feelings of pity. That girl is gone. What remains is an unbreakable shell with lots of emotions inside. But she will hide it so well, nobody will ever know.