So it seems that I finally got what I wanted except one thing... there is a thin thread holding on to what could have been and what I can't explain. Things ended abruptly but feelings were still in the mix. I dunno how to shake those feelings. All I could do is think about it and smile. I got exactly what I want and what I deserve.
I do not regret not making moves because it wasn't my responsibility. As a man you have to know what you want and whether you're ready or not, if you can see yourself with this person you have to make a decision whether you would like to be with them. You can't place a reservation on a human being and expect them to not want to go further. Women are emotional.. We desire certain things to keep us happy. Men sometimes fail to realize that.
So yes.. feelings will always be there. It just takes time to get over what could have been...
I've tried to push you away, to make excuses, to hide my feelings and just walk away but none of those attempts worked. I'm still here and you're still there. Memories oh memories.
When you lifted me up in the park that night, when we went to the other park and you kissed me near that tree. When we stood under the arch that looked like a wedding venue.... when we froze our butts off at the boardwalk and had to hold each other to make it back to the car.. when we held hands at the mall..
I miss your face.. holding it.. kissing your cheek... wrapping my arms around you.. telling you how much i like you.. just being real and telling you how i feel. Why can't we just keep it the sweet simple way it was before? Just you be you and me be me.. I feel like that lack of proximity between us is tearing me up inside. I made a friend who started to become more than my friend. I knew it was you.. i knew that you weren't who i expected you to be .. and still in my eyes you are beautiful...
Its like filling a bucket with holes with water. The water keeps coming out and nothing can stay in. Sometimes the decisions we make might seem like a re-occurrence.. like its a cycle just waiting to come back and hit you in the face. I learnt that pushing people away isn't something we should do. Rejection doesn't feel good. Imagine if i was placed in that position where all i received was no.
I am not going to act like i don't need anybody. Its been 3 or more days now and still no reply. It should not affect me but it does. My thoughts always run back to you. My memories are tattooed and i can almost hear your laughter again. I made such a fuss over something God can fix with time. But... at the end of the day, i did the right thing. You don't always get what you want.. Sometimes you have to use the knowledge and wisdom of God than to run with emotions. Emotions can lead you to a place of permanency based on your temporary emotion led decisions. If i said no to one person, i don't think i am ready to say yes to another... at least not yet...
Can i laugh now? Because this is just too hilarious.
What do you do when someone tells you one thing and shows you another? How do you show you care about someone? Do you just tell them and then make crazy decisions?
I won't lie to myself. The past few days have been hard. The joy is slowly fading. It's like a routine. Wake up, put on a face and go about showing the public that things are just 'fine'. What is fine? I try to convince myself that i'm fine all the time. But i'm not. LITERALLY nothing is going right.
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A man can vow and say he will be by your side and care for you and love you with every last breath in his body but that is not always true. You can't change people's minds. Only God can work through you to make a person change for the better. What force is greater than God? Nothing can compare. I've learnt that i don't need company to make myself happy. Just a simple stroll. Just some time in the Word of God.
Who goes to a movie theater and sits by themself and watches the movie? Me.. Who entertains themself? Me.. Who is trying her best to motivate herself to reach her goals? Me. I am not the product of anyone on earth. I am highly favored and Blessed. My season is yet to come.....
Where do we find love?
Love isn't something bought, stolen or borrowed. It's either you have it or not. Sometimes we think that we have to find love when the fact is we have to let love find us. Taking your time to fall in love with someone is better than getting in a relationship and then trying to sort out the pieces.
Some people waste time trying to be the best they can be and put out their all for a relationship when they should be focusing on friendship. A friend is someone you can trust, confide in, turn to for comfort, show love without it being awkward and so much more. So why not fall for a friend or best friend than a total stranger? If you have issues making friends, then a relationship is not for you. That's that.
Its good to explore. Try a new approach. If you are used to having $500 dates, then try a date where you spend only $50 or even no money. Just a walk in the park or a face-to-face conversation. There is no harm in getting to know a person for their personality instead of their wallet. A real genuine person will prefer something abstract which can be memorable than something that can be devoured or thrown away.
The key lies in the hands of the one who can take their time to learn how to love you instead of trying to convince you that they already do..
Mystery.. Just mystery..
How can she explain how she feels if she is afraid to fall? There is only one heart filled with the love of a thousand but she chooses to give it to one. That special one. How can she be sure?
Time. Waiting doesn't mean hiding. It means patience will teach you how to love over a period of time and not just now for now. You have to be able to love with all of you. Just as John Legend says in his song. You have to have that one person who you would call at 3 am just to be the first person they talk to ...
Breaths. If you cannot find the words to say just breathe. If he already knows then he is smart enough to read your lips, facial expression and your energy. Taking time to be silent during cute convos are quite natural. It also gives you time to stare at his wonderfully made face.
Dreams. What we do when we can't act out our emotions. We can imagine all the good things that we want to happen and make it happen later. Never rush, never worry. All good things will come, you just have to keep the dream alive.
Ever feel as though your life depends on how you feel? Sometimes i make really bad decisions which i have to deal with after and most of the times innocent people get hurt. How do you let down someone easily without breaking their heart? Everybody expects me to be the "perfect one" but how can i pull it off?
Trying to hide my emotions is the worst thing ever. I'm boiling over right now. I don't know whether to feel sad or to completely withdraw myself from everyone who may be a potential harm to my relationship. What do i do next? What do i have to lose? All these questions all left unanswered. Jesus, I need You!
It almost like every time i get in a relationship, after 3 months, things just spin out of proportion. I am breaking this chain. I will stay committed and i will be the best i can be until God says otherwise. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Patience is what God wants me to exercise. I just need to sit back, breathe and be close to Jesus who will work all things out for my good...
