Alone, Yet Not Alone

I've defended you to only look like a fool over and over again. I'm living a nightmare right now. But bad dreams don't always last for long. I happened to be cornered by the struggles of life all by myself. God is always there with me, that's why I said I'm not alone.

The person that claims to love me is fighting me the hardest. I can't get over that. I should be at ease. I'm supposed to be at rest. I'm supposed to feel good about myself, not like I can't go on anymore. The pressure is so much that I feel like I'm about to break down. I'm holding myself together with one thread. 

You're not even proving yourself. You're just being the same old you. I can't live with that. Not now or in the future. I've stopped trying to explain myself. Whatever people want to believe, let them. I owe nobody anything. What's the point speaking if nobody hears you? This time I'm done. I'm just too tired. There is no going back.

Can we truly forget the past?

I've tried to forgive you for all the things you said to me. I've tried to ignore the hurt and pain and the regret but you're a constant reminder. I can't stand to be placed in a situation where I have to question if I love or hate you. 

The taste in my mouth has officially gone. When someone shows you who they are, you should really consider how that makes you feel. If it makes you feel guilty even though you've crossed that bridge a million times, then drop them. Only the devil brings up the past from time to time just to get in your head and make you repeat your mistakes. I've constantly been on this roller coaster. Going through the same damn emotions. Thinking that I need you when you need me. You need me to feel loved because you never had a person stay with you. Your relationships may have lasted longer than mine but at least I left when I realized I was bigger than that situation I was in.

I can't begin to imagine what is gonna happen to you. You're gonna crumble. You're gonna regret saying these things to me. You're gonna beg for a chance to even speak to me. And when you're over that, you're gonna realize that you push everyone away. You try to justify the wrong things. You try to make things seem like society is against you. Like you have no options. Sit there, watch me elevate. 

Things Need To Change

We've been here before... Almost the end. We are hanging on by a thread. We are fighting each other instead of fighting for each other. We need to be at peace once and for all.. But to accomplish this, we need to refresh.

Your ways are toxic in more than one. You have a hot head and an unstable thought process. Maybe you haven't been loved the right way before. Maybe you have your doubts and refuse to let your guard down fully but you can't keep doing that. You can't keep bracketing me as a potential attacker or potential offender. I wanna help you so bad. You say you're gonna change but it isn't happening. I'm giving you breathing room, I'm being supportive, I'm loving you from afar right now. How do I love you from up close again? 

It hurts not communicating to someone you are so accustomed to speaking to every single day. It hurts when you just have to keep your statements to yourself because no one else cares to hear them. It must hurt you too, now that I had time to think of that. Let's just reset. Let's focus on bigger better things. Less arguments, less fussing, less emotional outbursts. More love, peace and joy. 

                                         

A Rose

I know you don't like him. I know you think I deserve better. I'm sorry for disappointing you. At this point I feel I'm disappointing myself. Can a person be the rose and the thorns in your flesh at the same time? 

My memories fade away of everything else that could have been because you made it that way. You made me commit. You made me commit only to you. You made me feel limited. I still feel that way. I realize the more I say, the more I hinder my own progress. You don't have to know everything. I don't like secrets but you are making me keep some. Just to protect your fragile heart. 

You're the most sensitive guy I know. I feel like I'm too hard for you. 
"You don't need a soft man". A blatantly honest friend once told me.
I don't wanna hurt your feelings. I will say less and I will pray more. I wanna be myself but I feel like I'm being pushed into a cube that will shape my every word, my every desire, my every thought. I apologize in advance for the person I'm becoming...

"You Deserve the Best"

I was told those four words.

Made me question my whole decision making. Made me question my sanity. I don't know why I'm in this deep. I surely can't turn back the hands of time but I can move forward with a positive perspective about things. 

I have been wrapped up so long in my own feelings talking bout a happy ending. Talking about my last love. I don't know if I'm even in control of my love life anymore. I just feel like it's slipping out of my hands. How do I regain control? How do I feel like love is fun and love is what I need? Doing what's best for me is selfish, doing what's best for you is hurtful... So what am I expected to do? 

Long heaving sigh....

Loving you

I can't believe you stored all of my past stories in your head like ammunition to use against me when it's convenient to you. I can't believe I allowed  myself to be put in the position to feel pain and to be ridiculed. I can't believe you would intentionally hurt me over and over again. 

"It's gonna hurt me to hate you but loving you is worse." - Cardi B. 

I felt that. I felt those lyrics pierce my entire body. I can't stand to be around you anymore because it makes no sense loving someone who doesn't have the slightest bit of respect for you. If you gonna fire, fire all. Don't blindside me and bring stuff up when you're insecure. Let me know what you want from me. Let me know if I'm gonna be made a fool and when. Because that is what is going on continuously. Apologies mean nothing because your mind is set to one idea of love and how a relationship is supposed to work. 

If I can't feel secure and respected then I'm better off alone. I don't want this. Any of it. I don't wanna not have you by my side. But what are you doing for me? Breaking me down to your level? Constantly trying to infiltrate my safe zone? I was there for you. Even when I had all the opportunity to leave, I stayed. Who is gonna do that, huh? Who is gonna have your back? It's all in pieces and to be honest, I don't even know how to put it back together. 

Get out of My Face

What do I say now? Should I be angry? I have every damn right to. When someone tells you something is finished it never truly is. Sometimes you gotta hear from the other person to know. How many people gonna try to play me for a fool before I finally trip? You can do absolutely nothing to anyone and still be made look foolish. I ain't about to play the blame game but something is up with my life. I'm not lucky when it comes to getting close to people. 

I've found peace with my emotions. I've found joy in my silence. I don't got time for drama and the back and forth typical nonsense. It's worthless. I feel the more unbothered I am the better it is for every person who tries to know the real me. God is still watching me. He never leaves. He doesn't despise me like these humans would. That assurance is the only one I need. Not some empty promises with broken people...