I've seen some things I didn't want to see... Then it all made sense. What if I am just a phase? What if one day you're gonna wake up and say, "I'm over her."
Nothing would hurt more.
Ice runs through my veins because blood is just too warm. The feeling of warmth no longer intrigues me. The feeling of bliss no longer moves me. My heart feels like it's been attacked over and over again until it just can't beat the same way anymore. Here I am speechless, yet so many words left unsaid. So many words pounding my skull. All I can do is listen to sad songs and hope these feelings and thoughts are just paranoia. All I keep telling myself is settle down... don't get worked up over nothing.
Time cannot erase.
In this life, you just can't please everyone. You gotta choose who you gonna please day by day. Or you can do like me and not give a shit.
I was told that I am a bleeping bleep and that I treated a certain individual like a "dog". I had all right to do what I did. If I don't want negative vibes in my house, I can leave a person's clothes outside. If I cannot handle being treated like garbage I can walk away. If I cannot stand repeating myself and not being heard, I can stop talking. Things got way out of hand and I don't think it is about me and him anymore. This just became really personal.
My other friend won't talk to me. I am officially blocked from everything I can get blocked on. But hey, two can play that game and two played that game because I got to block first. It is such a shame that individuals listen to one side of a story and run with it and feel that everything they say is correct and I will always remain the bad person. One day everyone is gonna realize their mistakes and it will be too late. I would have already moved on with my life and actually find happiness in this world of users, abusers and addicts.
Some of the things that were said hurt... I admit it. But I'm not gonna let that drag me below the state I am in already. Working fast food isn't my life long dream but it's better than nothing. At least I can see myself progressing and doing way more than depending on my friends to help me get through life. It ain't about all who can talk you out of situations... It's about who is real and willing to love you through all your messy ways...
He is back. Back into my life... this time not with a blue flower with red thorns but with a fierce desire to have happiness.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him sitting on my couch, having the best conversation ever. I couldn't stop looking at his almost perfect face.. Those rosy lips that I once kissed on multiple occasions. That soft voice... I don't even need to go into further detail because I already know how much there is to admire.
I didn't expect him to be so willing to bond with me because I had abandoned him at one period in time and he hated me for that. Forgiveness is really key to moving on and having a bright future. I have to say I don't expect white horses and chariots but I know what I deserve and I am gonna make sure that my standards are kept.
We had an awesome night. Things took a very interesting turn but I think we are both grown enough to make decisions on the spot and we are comfortable with each other's body. Everything about him is so soft... so delicate as if I touch him deeply he'll tear apart. I still am in disbelief. I don't know what else to say to make this seem less corny but I know happiness when I see it. Positivity is way more attractive on a man than most attributes. I remember all the great times and hope to experience many more...
I don't see a reason why you would act this way. Has being a follower gotten you far in the past? Have mistreating people given you a drive to become a better person?
I always tried to understand people but I realized it's an impossible task. How can you count the atoms of the air? You can't just pick a flower and be able to tell the exact species and correct shade of the petals without knowing a lot of detail about it. I guess this is my final point. I can't keep doing myself this. Guessing about a person hoping that some magical thing is gonna happen overnight.
Sometimes when life throws you lemons, you just gotta throw it back and say no thanks... I'm feeling for grape juice today. I haven't felt this hurt in years. I used to be a better person. I could have brought myself up to standards. I could have motivated myself and stood my ground. One person can have you so weak and low. One person can strip you of all your abilities just like kryptonite.
She is so brave. I admire her strength. Strength for two and a mind of one because clearly you don't consider her to mean as much to you as you claim. Where do I look for comfort? Only God can patch the wounds that run core deep. I am no longer that girl who begs for attention. I no longer have those feelings of pity. That girl is gone. What remains is an unbreakable shell with lots of emotions inside. But she will hide it so well, nobody will ever know.
I have no idea what I did so wrong. Some people make it seem like if you have committed a crime. Who would have thought that family could be so cruel and ungrateful. If they can't use you, they don't favor you. I'm going to start passing everyone and not utter a word.
I have never done anyone anything wrong. I know I am going places and people are going to be envious but this was not called for. I will not be victimized. I will move out of the situation and get my own. I cannot stay in here and watch them tear me down.
You have to Love yourself. Period. No ifs ands or buts.
Sometimes it feels like you don't get the attention you deserve. Sometimes you feel as though the earth could not move at all and you won't be bothered or nobody would look for you. Truth is, everyone is about their own business. Nobody is gonna blow a bullhorn every time you achieve something in your life.
You have to learn to celebrate alone and with God being the first thing on your mind every single day. You have to embrace the peace you feel when you have time to sort out your thoughts. You have to learn to walk on a road that will take you to a secret place where you can be alone on the noisy days.
Humans always feel the need to talk to somebody. Even me. On my worst days I just rant about people not being there for me on social media or maybe post a meme that relates to my situation but that's what most people do anyway. Treat yourself like you're a rich woman stepping out of a limousine with a glass of champagne in her hand. Royalty always beats mediocre thoughts. That royal mind state doesn't come just by a pep talk from a blog that people view now and then. That royal mind state comes when you learn you can walk alone...
On days like this I feel like I could hear people breathing. Like I could hear their cells reproducing.. Feel their energies. Because it's so damn silent. What if it all turned around on me? What if hanging out with a lot of guys backfired? Well this is the right time it would. The beginning of 2018.
Where is Candy Boy? Where is the guy who I had a crush on for like 2 years? Where is the revived zombie dude who agreed to go for ice cream with me one day? I have accomplished a lot for this vacation. A lot meaning reading out a romance novel and another book in the short space of two days. It doesn't feel so depressing after all. Maybe this is my time to meditate and focus on myself and God and the things that really matter; good old fashioned fun. Well, whatever that is.
I am so accustomed to holding my breath and inching my way to make decisions but I feel now is the time when I have to really take risks. I went for my dream goal but it's not the right time. I felt it. Traveled for nearly two hours to be told you don't have the required documents... It didn't crush me then. It just made me smile because I know I will get it when I really need it. I could go on and on.. It feels so strange being alone but maybe this is what I need after all. I have a good feeling that story time is on it's way..
