On days like this I feel like I could hear people breathing. Like I could hear their cells reproducing.. Feel their energies. Because it's so damn silent. What if it all turned around on me? What if hanging out with a lot of guys backfired? Well this is the right time it would. The beginning of 2018.
Where is Candy Boy? Where is the guy who I had a crush on for like 2 years? Where is the revived zombie dude who agreed to go for ice cream with me one day? I have accomplished a lot for this vacation. A lot meaning reading out a romance novel and another book in the short space of two days. It doesn't feel so depressing after all. Maybe this is my time to meditate and focus on myself and God and the things that really matter; good old fashioned fun. Well, whatever that is.
I am so accustomed to holding my breath and inching my way to make decisions but I feel now is the time when I have to really take risks. I went for my dream goal but it's not the right time. I felt it. Traveled for nearly two hours to be told you don't have the required documents... It didn't crush me then. It just made me smile because I know I will get it when I really need it. I could go on and on.. It feels so strange being alone but maybe this is what I need after all. I have a good feeling that story time is on it's way..
As I ran the obstacle course, I put my all into it. My heart raced. The adrenaline had just become enough to drive me to do better than the rest. I climbed the rope swiftly, a little nudge from the instructor made me reach as far as I did. I dropped to the ground with a smirk on my face.
"Model it out, Next!" Captain said.
I know I was being ridiculed as a woman but I didn't care. I felt the thrill. I loved every moment of it. It didn't appear to me as a task. It was a passion.
I woke 1 am just because the excitement felt so real. The air was cold and my breath was heavy. It made me realize how much I'm holding back. That was my sign to go forward and stop being a coward and wondering when is it all gonna fall into place. I gotta reach out and grab it if I really want it. I don't know what made me walk in that yard that day. I just did. And I don't regret it.
Nobody said it has to be a perfect life with perfectly cut out individuals. Nobody said it had to be all glittery fantasies for females and sweat dripping victory for males. All we really do out here is hope and guess.
I've been thinking about enjoying my own company and I wanna get back into the habit of going out alone. Treating myself to the things of this life that are enjoyable without the need of a person being there close to you and holding your hands. But there always comes that time... Where it creeps in.. the loneliness. The desire to have someone to put their arms around you and call you theirs. The warmth of their breath against your cheek.
Maybe my fantasies are totally different from other people's but at least I have some kind of escape.. If I had to sit all day and just experience the real life, I would definitely go insane. I just want someone to take me as I am. The real me. I wanna live and stop existing!
There is a guy... oh there is a guy. "Doc, I think I may be sick.. Can you check me out?"
Ridiculous much? That's me not caring how I sound being all girly and screaming internally every time I see his face. He is so handsome with the best smile ever. He is gentle and kind and speaks with such confidence to all his patients. I woke up from a nap to find myself in a daze because the feeling was so real. I think I was about to make my move when it all ended. Bam. A mosquito flew up my nose and I woke up by force.
A girl can daydream at a nice guy... It doesn't always have to lead to somewhere but you always need that eye candy to go through that perfect stormy day. I don't know if he notices how I stare at him like he is a piece of cheesecake. Damn..
Just the thought of it has me falling.. Or does he remind me of someone from my past? Stay tuned.
As they roll down my warm cheek, I remember the times when I didn't have the burdens of adulthood to worry about. I don't know what's worse, working two jobs and balancing school or trying to make a life outside of this shell. It almost seems as thought there is a web holding me back and I'm the poor miserable fly looking for a way out. It doesn't matter how I feel. All I know is that I have to make it in this life.
People who I thought was there for me isn't. I open up to people and they just move on with their life. I think people are starting to become even more selfish than before.I'm exhausted. I'm worn out... I'm overworked and underpaid. I can't seem to be happy no matter what I do. But this is just a temporary situation and I know that. The hardest part is faking a smile to show everyone that it's all ok when its not.
I'm doing this career as though I'm a robot. I feel as though my life and joy is being sucked out of my body. I just need an escape. I plan to be the best at everything I do so making a change in careers isn't gonna put me down. Sometimes we go through our whole lives doing what is expected and not what the heart really wants. These tears will not fall in vain...
So the "feels" is real. I don't ever get butterflies when I see or speak to a person but I got them today. I don't know where this is gonna go this time around but I am so fascinated to see. It's not gonna hurt because I'm not gonna let it reach that place. I am in control this time. I am controlling my emotions, my feelings, my attitude. I just wanna grow personally.
I asked him out on a date to go see a movie. He said yes. *Girly squeals* I know I'm a little too grown to be reacting like a spoilt teenager who has her first crush on a hot guy but I can't help it. I don't really feel a lot, so when I do, it comes like a tsunami. I'm gonna be excited all week. I have something to look forward to. And it's not gonna suck. I am confident. Heart beats fast, colors and promises.. I could think of lyrics to a lot of love songs right now. I have longed for a second chance cuz I was the one who messed up. Now that I'm finally getting that, there is no way on earth I'm gonna let that go...
I thought I would be done with college by now but oh well.. I guess this is fine... Waiting around, asking God for some kind of miracle. I don't even wanna stay in this career path right now.. With life throwing its best at me I am trying to work two jobs and maintain a certain level of sanity within. I can't stop striving for success
Personal Life:
This is gonna be interesting. The guy who I've been interested in for a while finally gave me attention but how long was that? 10 minutes? I am not falling for that anymore. It is time to put aside childish desires and start to live in preparation for the future. Attention; I'm getting that and I didn't even had to ask for it. Who knows sickness can bring people together who never even met before. I can't wait to see where this goes.
