All this time i was stuck in my little daydream, thinking that i need to be with someone to truly be happy. Then i tried dancing by myself, singing by myself and being in a relationship with Christ. Then i realized that i can be happy by doing the things i love. I don't need someone to hold my hand right throughout my entire life.
It was only today that i played this game: "Just Dance Now" by myself and i had fun. Was totally burnt out afterwards and had a smile on my face. It was fun and i didn't need another person to play with me to make it fun.
Besides the games and the singing, my recently found friend admitted to me that he would like to be in a relationship with me. I explained my whole concept to him and he understood and he told me he is willing to wait on my timing. But is he for real? Just a few days back he hit on my friend and she is totally head over heels for him. I'm not the kind of person to get involved with somebody who i know held the interest of my friend. No way... It's not that i rather lose a guy over a girlfriend, it's just that i have to upkeep my image as a Christian and follow what the Lord will want for me.
I can never find myself falling for a guy whose mind run on all other things but Jesus. I guess i'm gonna go down that long and narrow path and i'll have a pretty darn good time doing it....
So, whatever happened today was out of sworn secrecy and i still haven't gotten over it. I wish there was some way that i could release this guilt but i can only ask God for forgiveness.
It's not like a dramatic thing, its more of a 'i knew this was going to happen' kinda thing. I won't blame it on being human, ill just learn from the situation. Secrets are so tricky..If you tell someone you have to worry about them spilling it and if you keep it to yourself, it will bother you often. But this is one secret i won't let get to me. Ill put it to the back of my mind and move on.
Secrets are just a part of growing up as well. It's up to you to decide what you are going to allow be a secret or not.
So I thought somehow my life would take a major turn around and it did. It flew, it crashed and now i'm out of my little bubble and my eyes are open to so many new things.
After being forgotten, lied to and embarassed, i finally got over that person and started something new. It didn't last though because of the differences in views and opinions but that only made me realize that i need to do something different. How can you live a life for the Lord and then have dealings with people who share another view of God?
I just need to be on the same page with someone for once. Because it seems like i take too many chances and it always comes back to bite me in the end. This is probably attempt number 100 but i have no shame in admitting that i am human and its ok to make mistakes. Where you go wrong is continuously repeating those mistakes.. So we learn , we live and we love... But we always wonder where it will lead....
It takes a lot to understand everything about human behavior and i believe one of the main reasons believers fail is because of their lack of concern for non-believers. Why should we watch someone who is struggling out there and pass them straight when all they may want is someone to talk to? Who are we to say we have reached our limit. If Christ used to think like that we would never have gotten this far. We would be dead by now,sadly. I don't think we lack compassion; i think we lack knowledge. If people from my church see the kind of company i hand with at times they would say that i have strayed from God and that i should leave those people. But they may need me even if it's just an ear to listen. I would say i hold a high level of respect among these kinds of people. Reason being, i fit in, not to conform but rather to try to rationalize the way non-believers think. How can you build yourself as a Christian? Keep an open mind. Don't compromise but don't judge. Practice patience with non-believers. They may question a lot of things of the bible and God and even doubt the scriptures but we as believers cannot argue with them. We have to let it go and let things fall in place. This is what makes me different from other believers. I like to talk to all kinds of people. ...
That feeling in your gut, that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.. Makes you sick.. I'm still alive but i'm barely breathing.. That's how you explain it.
I let my guard down, let you in and you shut me out. You're really sick, i understand that but i want to be there for you. This is the ultimate test and i believe that i can pass it. I don't want you to go through this alone. I really need you, more than i ever thought it would.
There is just so much that i want to tell you but you won't let me. My heart breaks every night because i'm not a part of your world anymore. I'm just the stranger on the bus once more. You don't text me and i'm afraid to text you. I feel like someone just ripped out my heart and threw it under a train. I have so much to think about and you don't make it easier because you left me without a proper goodbye. My prayer for you is please, please get better again and from there you can do whatever your heart desires.
As i do what i'm supposed to do, somehow it just seems like i'm in a whirpool between life and my love life. I really don't think now is the best time for a relationship for me and yet i'm dating. I think i'm doing a good thing though because i'm getting to experience what's out there before really going out there.
My friend who was so close to me started posting very nasty facebook statuses about girls putting guys on probation. It's only because i mentioned it he got the idea and went off about it. Its not my fault that guys these days don't know how to treat girls and make them so insecure. Girls play a lot of games with guys too but i am not one of those girls. I am not looking for trouble or to break anyone's heart. I can be really serious about a relationship but now is not the time to jump over the clouds for a guy, that's why i said my friend who i'm dating is on probation.
Getting the wrong idea is surely something bizarre. Makes you say all kinds of crazy stuff. This guy who works next door to me used to pester me so much i used to avoid him but now it's like he is so down to earth. I like him but i won't dare say the word love just yet. I don't want this to be a drive by. I wanna see where it goes. Yes i drop people just like a snap of a finger but only when i feel the need to and when it is making me feel like that person is becoming an idol in my life. Nobody is gonna come into my life and play twister with me and then leave me to untangle myself after.
So my really good friend can hate me how much for telling him about me dating my friend, i won't let his words define me. i know i'm a lot better than who he perceives me to be and i won't be discouraged. The Lord is here to guide me and look after me so i don't need someone to fill that role.
Sometimes we find ourselves doing and saying weird things. I think the supervisor on work is hot. He has this very special way about him that he carries about himself in a good way and is respectful and kind. Other than him, I recently started talking to a former co-worker which is now my friend and I think he's hot too. Hotties everywhere lol.
People might say i have a weird taste but i just admire those kinds of guys. Know what they want and are determined to get it. Doesn't hurt to have some eye candy. I'm done flooded with this semester and work so i might as well find fun. I can't believe how much i'm thinking about my friend.
I got a crush. Not just a crush but a big one. Sometimes i wanna sing this song for him:
