A Brighter Day

Who says you have to be sad and show your depression and wonder on the outside? Who says you have to keep the memories of the hurtful past in your pocket?

I decided that I am not gonna stand another day of pretending to be okay when everything about that person serves as a walk down memory lane. I don't wanna feel the same things i felt before or think about things that are way far fetched. I am just enjoying life to the fullest. Pushing myself to do more, laughing harder, giggling like a teenager with a crush and lifting my feet when i walk instead of studying my problems. 

People who really have your back will never throw anything back at your face and i can say that i have people like that. People who i can tell almost anything and they will put aside their childish remarks just to make me feel better. I don't think that i want a relationship just yet. I need to learn to enjoy friendship. I can't look at every opportunity for love as a door waiting to be closed in my face. I know that there is time and God's timing is perfect. 

These times really make me just sit back, feeling pleased and emotional. Because when people understand you and respect you, it's way better than have someone lie to your face and say "I love you".... 
  
                            

The Sound of Heartbreak

Never put all your trust in man because you will end up hurt. You can defend people, fight for them, support them and they still have the audacity to leave you for the kill. After all your compassion, sweat, tears and patience, you still find it in your heart to forgive and love. 

She didn't want the perfect relationship. She didn't want a fairytale ending. She was willing to prove to the people who doubted that people can change, but you showed her all the reasons why she shouldn't. It's better you broke her heart now than years down the road where she becomes a mess and not even she can help herself. 

She prays for him still even though he might not even think about her. She felt a part of her disgusted and betrayed but God will always heal a broken heart and help you pick up the pieces. She holds on to the hope that she will find herself a husband... not just a man to walk in and out of her life. She is tired of the short term nonsense. She just wants somebody so passionate about Christ that she could look at him and say wow! You're doing the right thing. She doesn't wanna keep babysitting someone and urging them to pick up their bible and read the Word of God. It should be the first and last thing they do for the day. 

She doesn't want a person to lean on, because Jesus already holds that place. He knows her thoughts before she even opens her mouth. She is trusting in Him to intervene in her life and his perfect timing never fails... 
                                           
                                                   
                                            

These Moments

I waited and prayed, repeated and trusted in the Lord and this is where i am. The state of bliss. God, Bravery and a Great Relationship. 

I realized that i gave up too fast. I held on this roller coaster although i didn't know where it would take me. I believed and trusted that God is working in my life and i found a great friend and love in the midst. I still believe that i have to use my discernment when making decisions in this road, but that doesn't mean i have to walk on eggshells. I'm gonna be happy because i choose it.

Negative vibes are all about. People keep digging up the past and holding back the future from happening but i'm gonna keep my peace and promise to myself and to my sweetheart. Who knows what else can happen in this wonderful experience? 

Endure: Standing Strong

Somehow, I always end up getting my feelings hurt while trying to help someone... but this time, i feel i just don't care. I have to do what the Lord wants me to do. 

How can a person be so heartless to judge someone based on their past life? I may look past the mistakes and the problems that was done and faced a long time ago but some people lack the knowledge and confidence of the future and what God can do.. I forgive all those who have said hurtful things to me to the point where all i can do is cry. I have one thing to say though... I will be holding my friend's hand when he changes his life for Christ for good. I am confident that it will happen. 

I don't expect a relationship out of this friendship. I just like being there for you because you have been hurting so long and so much and have never gotten the kind of encouragement that a Christian can give you. While the world loses their minds, i will keep mine and stand with you. I'm not giving up because fate has brought me to you... to inspire and motivate you to become the great you can be in the Lord. 

Fear is what held me back all these years and that is the reason i keep distancing myself every time i get close to someone who cares for me. I think this just the beginning. I am standing firm in my faith and with the authority and belief in my God. 

The Past Shadows the Future

How did we go from strangers to such close friends? I don't think I would have given into your words if you didn't tell me your entire past. But it seems like its too much for others to bear. I can't hold your past against you. I know you want the support and encouragement to change but i realized that i may not be able to do that for you. I would be a hypocrite if i gave up on you... I'm just praying for the courage and bravery. 

I've always ran from the things that frightened me but i don't wanna run again. This situation isn't going to get better. It's going to only get worse. How do i break this news to you when i cant even accept this myself. They're warning me to stay away but it just makes it harder. If i turn my back on you then i would be a quitter and it would make me lack faith whenever i face difficult situations. What is a good guy? 

You've learnt, you've laid low, you've shown interest in God. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a soul for the Kingdom of God. I wouldn't be helpful... i would just be another brick in the wall. How do i turn this around? Show people that the past doesn't define a person. Why can i let go of the past so easily but others make it a big deal. I'm sure there have been drug dealers, prisoners and cocaine addicts who have found the Lord and changed their life and minister to people every day. Christians may possess all the qualities of a good man but lack all of a good companion. Should i let go?

                     

...And you love the game

There is this intern in the hospital where i train. He is so out there.. Flirtatious, tall, handsome.. He draws the nurses and students attention with his warm personality and dazzling smile. He asked for my number on the first day of the ward. I gave him. I thought it would be nice to make a friend.. 

So, turns out he tries stuff with most people and i just happened to be an easy target because of my curiousity. Well, i'll just say that he just entered a game board. I like the players and he likes the game.. I could have a good long laugh about this but i'll control it for now. He is too much fun to mess with. He thinks i'm head over heels for him but there is no lovebug here. Sometimes i wonder if he is serious or just plain silly.

His questions are obvious... he wants a chic by his side but doesn't bring all the questions at once. He observes and hints and even tries to teach you things.. His behavior is sneaky. His smile hides a lot..His mind is uneasy.. 

My colleagues and i decided we are going to milk this situation. Ask him questions, set up scenarios and even flirt back for the fun of it. He knows exactly what he is doing up at 1 am.. I may have an idea too but i wont tell. I'll have to try my best though not to end up in this web of fantasies in the pursuit to interrogate this dude.... 

50 Shades - The Male Nurse..Fantasy #2

His presence was noted at the point of entering the ward. I put my bag in the staff room and got myself ready for work. After the handing over on the female side of the surgical ward, we went to the male side. He grabbed a pile of folders and dragged the side desk closer to us. I listened to everything he said and took the words as they came out of his mouth.

He finished the hand over and I walked to the last cubicle. "Can you help me with a bed bath?" he asked.
I said, "Sure."
His smile indicated that he was pleased with my response so we did the bed bath together. It was nice... timid... quick. After that, I followed him to see if i could learn some things from him. I saw a foot dressing, which i assisted in. He disappeared after that. At the time of vitals, I sat by the desk next to him charting information. Somehow, the topic reached from which year i was in to 50 shades of grey. He laughed at my little comments heartily.

He gave a patient a placebo, which made me laugh and feel amused. It was the first time i saw that being given on the ward. While we spoke his eyes were fixed on me. I could feel it. I tried not to look at him to look like a lioness with meat in front of her. He called me to learn about meds. It was he and I alone until my rowdy colleague joined us. She shows her true colors when her best friend isn't around. She made it very clear to a doctor that i am not her friend. I am just an associate. I really had no problem with that considering how lunatic she can behave. But being real, she is not a nice person. She is brutally insultive and over confident that she can do everything. While we we learning how to mix and pull up meds, i felt intimidated because she was right up in my face trying to take the position of the male nurse.

After that, brain studied and processed this new side i'm seeing of my colleague. I quizzed myself for a logical explaination but i just couldn't find any. She was just a bitch. I don't know if it surfaced, but while we were dispensing the meds to the patients, he asked me if i was ok silently. I nodded, said i was fine but he didn't take that for an answer. He asked me if the girl was my friend i said no. Just a colleague because that is what she said. He told me its sad but i disagreed. I showed him the tough shell that was built around my emotions. 

It's like he read every action, every emotion, like he looked into me and saw that i was not ok. He showed too much concern than he should be. I just kept it together for the sake of my dignity. His voice is warm. I know now i can't let things bother me while i'm around him. He'll definitely see or detect it. His shift ended at 1 pm and mine at 3 pm. I told him i run away from the ward at times and i did. He signalled to me that it was time to go and that he wanted me to come along. I walked downstairs with him. He offered me a ride which i accepted once it was ok with him.

On the way home, we talked, laughed, recollected. I knew i was going to see him again. I said goodbye and left his vehicle. The smile was painted on my face til i was halfway home. It all seems like a fantasy to me but the truth is... It was real.