I Did A Bad Thing

I did not commit murder but it sure as hell feels like it. I don't like being in this situation. Wondering what is for me, what works and what does not. Why place yourself in a situation and you have to crawl and claw your way back out to safety? 

I feel like I've been down this road continuously and it just isn't making any sense. I get this feeling like I'm done... Done with everybody and their tensions and their pressures to be more than I can be. Sometimes you have all you asked for and still you're not happy. 

Judge me or not, I'll always hang on to my faith. The God I serve does not make mistakes. He allows situations to occur to make us stronger and braver. You can fall a thousand times and He will always pick you up. It just takes time before one can truly be happy....

Confessions

I rushed to the hospital when I heard the news. 
My heart throbbed as though I took a million heart stimulants for breakfast. I searched the entire ward with my eyes, looking for that familiar face. When I heard the voice, I followed it until I met him slung up with braces on his body. His spine looked as though it had been ripped out of his back. 

Just the sight made my stomach hurt. I went and asked what had happened. The reason was so unlike him. It didn't make any sense. I promised him I would care for him until he got better. I promised him I was not giving up on him.. I held on to his hand like I was holding it for the very last time. After that I woke up crying. Tears flowing down the side of my cheeks and soaking my pillow. My heart still racing as though the dream had become real. My heart ached. For days I was distraught. I couldn't stop but think about it. I still remember it like yesterday. 

The dreams keep coming. They feel like nightmares but then I realized, they are not. They are all my bottled feelings that have been unresolved and lost in the abyss. I thought by now I should be happy but like it's a painful thing to let go of what never got a fair chance...

Deeply, Madly

Besides regretting choosing a long tiring career path, I think things are going well. I don't need to wonder what is going to take place in my life for the future. I already know that it is gonna be good. I place my trust in God who is always there, never leaves, never gets off His throne, never lies and never allows me to be put to shame. I don't have much questions about who I'm seeing because it's being revealed day by day. 

Maybe things didn't work out in the past because I had to end up at this point in my life where I can say to someone else, "I understand what you're going through." When you finally found something that is great, fun and comfortable you never have to search for another. There is no crap like 'Jinx'. I can speak positively because I know everything is true. It's real. If it wasn't then why would I still be here in this position making a fool of myself? All is left to say is, I can't wait to explore your heart. 

How Do You Know?

Sometimes it is very hard to differentiate between being so head over heels and being comfortable. Maybe it's good to have a little bit of both. It sucks when you have to push aside all the past times aside and focus on the times now, especially when some good ole memories are lost in the midst. But I know it's all for the best. 

I don't feel as though I have reached my optimum level. I feel like there is still a long way to go again. I'm thinking of not only pursuing another career but also trying to adjust to my new relationship. There are certain things that I am not accustomed to but will take time to get used to. Nobody jumps straight out of the womb prepared. You have to give yourself time to feel out situations and determine what works for you and what does not. 

I've found a whole new happiness unexpectedly and it is so fun. I have wasted a lot of time on the wrong people doing the wrong things and have not even thought about what was there all along. I'm not blinded still though. That part of my life is long gone. I'm stepping out in faith with a clearer vision of who I want to be and where I want to go. Who says you cant have it all?