"You Deserve the Best"

I was told those four words.

Made me question my whole decision making. Made me question my sanity. I don't know why I'm in this deep. I surely can't turn back the hands of time but I can move forward with a positive perspective about things. 

I have been wrapped up so long in my own feelings talking bout a happy ending. Talking about my last love. I don't know if I'm even in control of my love life anymore. I just feel like it's slipping out of my hands. How do I regain control? How do I feel like love is fun and love is what I need? Doing what's best for me is selfish, doing what's best for you is hurtful... So what am I expected to do? 

Long heaving sigh....

Loving you

I can't believe you stored all of my past stories in your head like ammunition to use against me when it's convenient to you. I can't believe I allowed  myself to be put in the position to feel pain and to be ridiculed. I can't believe you would intentionally hurt me over and over again. 

"It's gonna hurt me to hate you but loving you is worse." - Cardi B. 

I felt that. I felt those lyrics pierce my entire body. I can't stand to be around you anymore because it makes no sense loving someone who doesn't have the slightest bit of respect for you. If you gonna fire, fire all. Don't blindside me and bring stuff up when you're insecure. Let me know what you want from me. Let me know if I'm gonna be made a fool and when. Because that is what is going on continuously. Apologies mean nothing because your mind is set to one idea of love and how a relationship is supposed to work. 

If I can't feel secure and respected then I'm better off alone. I don't want this. Any of it. I don't wanna not have you by my side. But what are you doing for me? Breaking me down to your level? Constantly trying to infiltrate my safe zone? I was there for you. Even when I had all the opportunity to leave, I stayed. Who is gonna do that, huh? Who is gonna have your back? It's all in pieces and to be honest, I don't even know how to put it back together. 

Get out of My Face

What do I say now? Should I be angry? I have every damn right to. When someone tells you something is finished it never truly is. Sometimes you gotta hear from the other person to know. How many people gonna try to play me for a fool before I finally trip? You can do absolutely nothing to anyone and still be made look foolish. I ain't about to play the blame game but something is up with my life. I'm not lucky when it comes to getting close to people. 

I've found peace with my emotions. I've found joy in my silence. I don't got time for drama and the back and forth typical nonsense. It's worthless. I feel the more unbothered I am the better it is for every person who tries to know the real me. God is still watching me. He never leaves. He doesn't despise me like these humans would. That assurance is the only one I need. Not some empty promises with broken people...

It Ain't Always About Me

So recently I discovered that I stress way too much about minor things that shouldn't even phase me. I study what people think about me and how it is going to affect my feelings and emotions when I should be focusing on more important things like my dreams. 

I have a friend who always motivates himself and continues to pursue his biggest passion and even though we developed a very honest and worthwhile friendship, I was losing myself in pleasing him... I was worried that I will lose him as a friend if I get close to someone else or if I tell him what is really on my mind which is: "Do you consider yourself superior to me?" Maybe you should pull the huge stick out of your butt and start seeing things in a lighter version" or maybe "Stop assuming stuff and creating situations that aren't even there!"

But I couldn't say these things to him... Not because I'm afraid or walking on eggshells. It's because It ain't always about me. I have to accept that people gonna think what they want either way and I can only be real and if I tell people things the way I see them then I'll just be friendless and sad. He makes me so angry at times. He just digs and digs searching for the answer that suits him. It's like he is so hard to please and he is so wrapped up in his own little fantasy but all his motivational statuses are a cry for help. He ain't gonna love nobody until he sees his flaws. He presses a little too much and it will hurt me to know he just walks out on me because I've been there. I've agreed to things I wasn't even sure about because that is what real friends do. 

In the end, I put out way too much. But I benefit from all my effort. I have a direction.. I have a purpose.. I have a meaning in this life and nobody is gonna prevent me from having all that I need. I've become what millennials call, "WOKE". 

Guarding my Heart

How would you feel if I bring up my present problems every opportunity I get? Would you feel okay about it? Would you find the correct words all the time to say to me? Some people are so selfish sometimes. I just want to crawl in my cave and just shut the negativity out. 

I get that you're having a crappy time in your situation. I get that you're hurting. Aren't we all about something? Or someone? If I could erase the memories from my head I would, but the universe doesn't work like that. You gotta give a little, take a little. I don't think I'm gonna risk my heart being torn into pieces for nobody. 

"Tell them I was happy, and my heart is broken.. All my scars are open." - Shontelle

I Don't Wanna Play Anymore

It feels as though people keep putting me in a cycle. Love, care then be used, then fall out of existence for a while, then come back strong... It's reached to the point where the sting is there but the actions towards it have come to a halt. 

I don't wanna keep doing this. Hoping to fit myself into a puzzle that wasn't designed for me. I could be madly in love with someone and just walk past them without a smirk. I feel myself sinking to that place where all my tiredness is based on a mild depression streak. I work extra hours just to pass time. I don't wanna think about the hurt no more. As it comes, I just wanna be strong enough to learn from it and make my next wise move. 

What is scarier than feeling numb? To feel your heart breaking right before someone and all they see is the shell that portrayed something so genuine. Love isn't always fair. The good ones end up with the bad ones and the kindest hearts suffer a longing like no other. I'm done being that amazing girl who helps and who supports and who will run to your rescue. I'm gonna be the best person to deal with this situation now. I'm gonna step out my fantasy world now...

Charades

I don't know what hurts more. Being played into thinking something existed or just being strung along with broken emotions. My heart is in a horrible place. Sometimes I wish I felt nothing. But then what would be entertaining? 

He made me feel so comfortable I could share my deepest secrets with him. He made me literally fall for him without any intentions to catch me. He already had that person to fill that void. I was just a temporary fix that would make things a little more fun than usual. 

I cannot hold my breath no more. I feel so humiliated by one and the other is just using me to his advantage. Where do I stand? Should I just sit and allow these two people to impact my life like this? Or do I just make myself happy? Life cannot be explained at times. We all really wing it when we think about it. 

I will never forget the disrespect I felt when guy 1 told me he wanted to delete me from his life. After I've been there for you supporting you, making sure you're alright, giving you motivation... This is my thanks. I dunno what kinda game this has become but I don't wanna play anymore...