I've learnt, I can't have the best of both worlds. It's one or the other. Sometimes we make decisions because we think its what is best for us. But what if you have everything you need and its just not your heart's desires.
Love comes in many forms.. But what i've learnt, it takes time. A wise person once told me never to rush anything... just take your time and enjoy every moment.. Little did i know that person was trying to tell me something more than just that. They were teaching me patience. Something i am lacking at the moment. If i had just listened things might have been different.
I do not want to make myself a total fool by leading on that person when clearly i'm in a commitment. I'm being very indecisive and i can't explain why exactly. All i know, I am not sure of what is going to happen in the future. Promises may be broken, hearts may remain shattered... dreams may become mere fantasies..... relationships may become robotic.. I am not going to doom myself. I am going to just pray and observe every aspect of life.
It may seem like i'm being heartless... that i should be all emotional because I just got out of a relationship but i feel great. I mean... great guy, great treatment, great love shared but it was not for me.
People will judge and say I'm just a heartbreaker.... i'm just another girl who is lost and confused and doesn't know what she wants. But really and truly, i do not know what i want. If i had everything under control then i wouldn't be living. I feel as though i'm able to clear my mind and to sort out exactly how i feel and it is what i suspected. The feelings never left.
Not one day passed by i didnt think of him. The memories were beautiful.. Nothing could replace him. Why talk so much about him? Because he left a mark. I was mean for leaving things unfinished. I was wrong for thinking i was spiting him and showing him how a 'real man' makes decisions. I never thought about the part where i have to miss the drives to the park, the adventures, the simple little moments together.. I gave it all up and now i want it all back..
I starting all over with a new mindset, a new goal, a new everything. Maybe a new career? Life throws so many opportunities at you.. It's up to you if you wanna let it slip away or hold on and pray for the best to come...
How do you take everything you had before and just throw it out the window and start new? How do you pretend like those memories aren't there.. like you never longed for such an amazing person....
Sometimes a person will walk straight into your life and give you all you ever wanted but if that person isn't who you want it will just fall to dust. How do you go by everyday thinking about that one person you really want and all you can do is say hello? Why does life happen in such a sequence you end up a horrible person?
When water hits iron after a while it rusts.. That's like you take my heart and add all these bottled up emotions and all this hurt and pain and then my heart just aches. Imagine how childish immature ways can lead to a lifetime of longing and sadness. Sometimes you're not happy, you're pleased. I don't wanna settle for second best.
All I can do is pray. God knows best. With faith things are going to turn around. I just can't help but feel someone is going to get hurt.
So it seems that I finally got what I wanted except one thing... there is a thin thread holding on to what could have been and what I can't explain. Things ended abruptly but feelings were still in the mix. I dunno how to shake those feelings. All I could do is think about it and smile. I got exactly what I want and what I deserve.
I do not regret not making moves because it wasn't my responsibility. As a man you have to know what you want and whether you're ready or not, if you can see yourself with this person you have to make a decision whether you would like to be with them. You can't place a reservation on a human being and expect them to not want to go further. Women are emotional.. We desire certain things to keep us happy. Men sometimes fail to realize that.
So yes.. feelings will always be there. It just takes time to get over what could have been...
I've tried to push you away, to make excuses, to hide my feelings and just walk away but none of those attempts worked. I'm still here and you're still there. Memories oh memories.
When you lifted me up in the park that night, when we went to the other park and you kissed me near that tree. When we stood under the arch that looked like a wedding venue.... when we froze our butts off at the boardwalk and had to hold each other to make it back to the car.. when we held hands at the mall..
I miss your face.. holding it.. kissing your cheek... wrapping my arms around you.. telling you how much i like you.. just being real and telling you how i feel. Why can't we just keep it the sweet simple way it was before? Just you be you and me be me.. I feel like that lack of proximity between us is tearing me up inside. I made a friend who started to become more than my friend. I knew it was you.. i knew that you weren't who i expected you to be .. and still in my eyes you are beautiful...
Its like filling a bucket with holes with water. The water keeps coming out and nothing can stay in. Sometimes the decisions we make might seem like a re-occurrence.. like its a cycle just waiting to come back and hit you in the face. I learnt that pushing people away isn't something we should do. Rejection doesn't feel good. Imagine if i was placed in that position where all i received was no.
I am not going to act like i don't need anybody. Its been 3 or more days now and still no reply. It should not affect me but it does. My thoughts always run back to you. My memories are tattooed and i can almost hear your laughter again. I made such a fuss over something God can fix with time. But... at the end of the day, i did the right thing. You don't always get what you want.. Sometimes you have to use the knowledge and wisdom of God than to run with emotions. Emotions can lead you to a place of permanency based on your temporary emotion led decisions. If i said no to one person, i don't think i am ready to say yes to another... at least not yet...
Can i laugh now? Because this is just too hilarious.
What do you do when someone tells you one thing and shows you another? How do you show you care about someone? Do you just tell them and then make crazy decisions?
I won't lie to myself. The past few days have been hard. The joy is slowly fading. It's like a routine. Wake up, put on a face and go about showing the public that things are just 'fine'. What is fine? I try to convince myself that i'm fine all the time. But i'm not. LITERALLY nothing is going right.
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A man can vow and say he will be by your side and care for you and love you with every last breath in his body but that is not always true. You can't change people's minds. Only God can work through you to make a person change for the better. What force is greater than God? Nothing can compare. I've learnt that i don't need company to make myself happy. Just a simple stroll. Just some time in the Word of God.
Who goes to a movie theater and sits by themself and watches the movie? Me.. Who entertains themself? Me.. Who is trying her best to motivate herself to reach her goals? Me. I am not the product of anyone on earth. I am highly favored and Blessed. My season is yet to come.....
