I know i'm not supposed to be thinking about kissing this guy, but come on... he is attractive, cool, laid back and he got the nerd flick going on. Everything i described there was what i should be staying away from. But... i'm still allowed to have my fantasies once they're not rated R. I really appreciate his friendship and his time.
There is just that moment when no more words are left to say that he send an emoji and it just brightens up my face. That alone is showing interest to talk. That doesn't make him Prince Edward but it makes him somebody in my life right?
Anyways. I think my feelings are starting to re-surface which explains the late night and morning convos and insomnia. I guess i'm contented with the people that are in my life and who are entering it.
I found myself wearing a big white dress.. It was almost like a wedding dress, but could this be my wedding?
I didn't stop to think. I was at the bottom of the stairs to my college building. I ran breathlessly up the multiple flight of stairs, tripping over my dress and feeling anxiety and fear curling into my gut. I had no idea what i was in pursuit of but I was determined to get there.
At the top of the staircase, on the highest floor, I saw my friend's brother sitting at the table so I approached him to say a friendly hello. A voice appeared behind me. A deep masculine voice that made me spin around to be caught by his singled out words. He said, " Why waste your time talking to a little boy when you can be talking to a big man?"
My facial expression changed. I swung around to glimpse at my friend's brother but he looked unmoved. From there, it all faded. It was the first dream I remembered so well. The meaning, unknown, but I believe it's some kind of sign that will appear eventually.....
Just a few days ago, a person from the past returned to me. Not in spirit but in actual flesh. This guy shows so much interest in me but what should i say to him? Am i supposed to run back into his arms and say all is forgiven?
I did forgive him because his apology was so logical and sincere but that does not mean that all is peachy. Honestly, he had a part of me that nobody else could find but he let it slip away so now he has to regain it. Time, effort, love and patience will bring that back but i know how some guys are; determined to a point of tolerance.
What do i want?
Friendship. I believe through friendship, one can achieve love. If i didnt agree to speak or have any relations with this person again, he wouldn't be my friend and he wouldn't get opportunities to impress me.
I've got too many things going on in my life to make room for disappointent, hurt, resentment and heartache. I need to be real with people. I can't give you the attention you deserve. I can only be a friend and hold your hand from a distance. The Lord is my strength and i know someday my emotions will flow back to me at the right time. ..........
All this time i was stuck in my little daydream, thinking that i need to be with someone to truly be happy. Then i tried dancing by myself, singing by myself and being in a relationship with Christ. Then i realized that i can be happy by doing the things i love. I don't need someone to hold my hand right throughout my entire life.
It was only today that i played this game: "Just Dance Now" by myself and i had fun. Was totally burnt out afterwards and had a smile on my face. It was fun and i didn't need another person to play with me to make it fun.
Besides the games and the singing, my recently found friend admitted to me that he would like to be in a relationship with me. I explained my whole concept to him and he understood and he told me he is willing to wait on my timing. But is he for real? Just a few days back he hit on my friend and she is totally head over heels for him. I'm not the kind of person to get involved with somebody who i know held the interest of my friend. No way... It's not that i rather lose a guy over a girlfriend, it's just that i have to upkeep my image as a Christian and follow what the Lord will want for me.
I can never find myself falling for a guy whose mind run on all other things but Jesus. I guess i'm gonna go down that long and narrow path and i'll have a pretty darn good time doing it....
So, whatever happened today was out of sworn secrecy and i still haven't gotten over it. I wish there was some way that i could release this guilt but i can only ask God for forgiveness.
It's not like a dramatic thing, its more of a 'i knew this was going to happen' kinda thing. I won't blame it on being human, ill just learn from the situation.
Secrets are so tricky..If you tell someone you have to worry about them spilling it and if you keep it to yourself, it will bother you often. But this is one secret i won't let get to me. Ill put it to the back of my mind and move on.
Secrets are just a part of growing up as well. It's up to you to decide what you are going to allow be a secret or not.
So I thought somehow my life would take a major turn around and it did. It flew, it crashed and now i'm out of my little bubble and my eyes are open to so many new things.
After being forgotten, lied to and embarassed, i finally got over that person and started something new. It didn't last though because of the differences in views and opinions but that only made me realize that i need to do something different. How can you live a life for the Lord and then have dealings with people who share another view of God?
I just need to be on the same page with someone for once. Because it seems like i take too many chances and it always comes back to bite me in the end. This is probably attempt number 100 but i have no shame in admitting that i am human and its ok to make mistakes. Where you go wrong is continuously repeating those mistakes.. So we learn , we live and we love... But we always wonder where it will lead....
It takes a lot to understand everything about human behavior and i believe one of the main reasons believers fail is because of their lack of concern for non-believers. Why should we watch someone who is struggling out there and pass them straight when all they may want is someone to talk to?
Who are we to say we have reached our limit. If Christ used to think like that we would never have gotten this far. We would be dead by now,sadly. I don't think we lack compassion; i think we lack knowledge. If people from my church see the kind of company i hand with at times they would say that i have strayed from God and that i should leave those people. But they may need me even if it's just an ear to listen. I would say i hold a high level of respect among these kinds of people. Reason being, i fit in, not to conform but rather to try to rationalize the way non-believers think.
How can you build yourself as a Christian?
Keep an open mind. Don't compromise but don't judge.
Practice patience with non-believers. They may question a lot of things of the bible and God and even doubt the scriptures but we as believers cannot argue with them. We have to let it go and let things fall in place.
This is what makes me different from other believers. I like to talk to all kinds of people. ...
