How would you feel if I bring up my present problems every opportunity I get? Would you feel okay about it? Would you find the correct words all the time to say to me? Some people are so selfish sometimes. I just want to crawl in my cave and just shut the negativity out.
I get that you're having a crappy time in your situation. I get that you're hurting. Aren't we all about something? Or someone? If I could erase the memories from my head I would, but the universe doesn't work like that. You gotta give a little, take a little. I don't think I'm gonna risk my heart being torn into pieces for nobody.
"Tell them I was happy, and my heart is broken.. All my scars are open." - Shontelle
It feels as though people keep putting me in a cycle. Love, care then be used, then fall out of existence for a while, then come back strong... It's reached to the point where the sting is there but the actions towards it have come to a halt.
I don't wanna keep doing this. Hoping to fit myself into a puzzle that wasn't designed for me. I could be madly in love with someone and just walk past them without a smirk. I feel myself sinking to that place where all my tiredness is based on a mild depression streak. I work extra hours just to pass time. I don't wanna think about the hurt no more. As it comes, I just wanna be strong enough to learn from it and make my next wise move.
What is scarier than feeling numb? To feel your heart breaking right before someone and all they see is the shell that portrayed something so genuine. Love isn't always fair. The good ones end up with the bad ones and the kindest hearts suffer a longing like no other. I'm done being that amazing girl who helps and who supports and who will run to your rescue. I'm gonna be the best person to deal with this situation now. I'm gonna step out my fantasy world now...
I don't know what hurts more. Being played into thinking something existed or just being strung along with broken emotions. My heart is in a horrible place. Sometimes I wish I felt nothing. But then what would be entertaining?
He made me feel so comfortable I could share my deepest secrets with him. He made me literally fall for him without any intentions to catch me. He already had that person to fill that void. I was just a temporary fix that would make things a little more fun than usual.
I cannot hold my breath no more. I feel so humiliated by one and the other is just using me to his advantage. Where do I stand? Should I just sit and allow these two people to impact my life like this? Or do I just make myself happy? Life cannot be explained at times. We all really wing it when we think about it.
I will never forget the disrespect I felt when guy 1 told me he wanted to delete me from his life. After I've been there for you supporting you, making sure you're alright, giving you motivation... This is my thanks. I dunno what kinda game this has become but I don't wanna play anymore...
I've seen some things I didn't want to see... Then it all made sense. What if I am just a phase? What if one day you're gonna wake up and say, "I'm over her."
Nothing would hurt more.
Ice runs through my veins because blood is just too warm. The feeling of warmth no longer intrigues me. The feeling of bliss no longer moves me. My heart feels like it's been attacked over and over again until it just can't beat the same way anymore. Here I am speechless, yet so many words left unsaid. So many words pounding my skull. All I can do is listen to sad songs and hope these feelings and thoughts are just paranoia. All I keep telling myself is settle down... don't get worked up over nothing.
Time cannot erase.
In this life, you just can't please everyone. You gotta choose who you gonna please day by day. Or you can do like me and not give a shit.
I was told that I am a bleeping bleep and that I treated a certain individual like a "dog". I had all right to do what I did. If I don't want negative vibes in my house, I can leave a person's clothes outside. If I cannot handle being treated like garbage I can walk away. If I cannot stand repeating myself and not being heard, I can stop talking. Things got way out of hand and I don't think it is about me and him anymore. This just became really personal.
My other friend won't talk to me. I am officially blocked from everything I can get blocked on. But hey, two can play that game and two played that game because I got to block first. It is such a shame that individuals listen to one side of a story and run with it and feel that everything they say is correct and I will always remain the bad person. One day everyone is gonna realize their mistakes and it will be too late. I would have already moved on with my life and actually find happiness in this world of users, abusers and addicts.
Some of the things that were said hurt... I admit it. But I'm not gonna let that drag me below the state I am in already. Working fast food isn't my life long dream but it's better than nothing. At least I can see myself progressing and doing way more than depending on my friends to help me get through life. It ain't about all who can talk you out of situations... It's about who is real and willing to love you through all your messy ways...
He is back. Back into my life... this time not with a blue flower with red thorns but with a fierce desire to have happiness.
I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him sitting on my couch, having the best conversation ever. I couldn't stop looking at his almost perfect face.. Those rosy lips that I once kissed on multiple occasions. That soft voice... I don't even need to go into further detail because I already know how much there is to admire.
I didn't expect him to be so willing to bond with me because I had abandoned him at one period in time and he hated me for that. Forgiveness is really key to moving on and having a bright future. I have to say I don't expect white horses and chariots but I know what I deserve and I am gonna make sure that my standards are kept.
We had an awesome night. Things took a very interesting turn but I think we are both grown enough to make decisions on the spot and we are comfortable with each other's body. Everything about him is so soft... so delicate as if I touch him deeply he'll tear apart. I still am in disbelief. I don't know what else to say to make this seem less corny but I know happiness when I see it. Positivity is way more attractive on a man than most attributes. I remember all the great times and hope to experience many more...
I don't see a reason why you would act this way. Has being a follower gotten you far in the past? Have mistreating people given you a drive to become a better person?
I always tried to understand people but I realized it's an impossible task. How can you count the atoms of the air? You can't just pick a flower and be able to tell the exact species and correct shade of the petals without knowing a lot of detail about it. I guess this is my final point. I can't keep doing myself this. Guessing about a person hoping that some magical thing is gonna happen overnight.
Sometimes when life throws you lemons, you just gotta throw it back and say no thanks... I'm feeling for grape juice today. I haven't felt this hurt in years. I used to be a better person. I could have brought myself up to standards. I could have motivated myself and stood my ground. One person can have you so weak and low. One person can strip you of all your abilities just like kryptonite.
She is so brave. I admire her strength. Strength for two and a mind of one because clearly you don't consider her to mean as much to you as you claim. Where do I look for comfort? Only God can patch the wounds that run core deep. I am no longer that girl who begs for attention. I no longer have those feelings of pity. That girl is gone. What remains is an unbreakable shell with lots of emotions inside. But she will hide it so well, nobody will ever know.
