What is happening?

I don't really know what's going on in my life. My mother moved out, i distanced myself from my so called "boyfriend" and now i'm best buddies with my friend who i once worked with. God has a funny way of handling things, but i enjoy every moment.

My feelings are extending toward my friend and i don't think it's a good idea to let it reach far. I need to keep it calm for now because he isn't really the guy i would go for. I've thought several times about being with him and it just seems like he would have a lot of respect for me. But i won't settle for less than a true Christian so my mind's made up.

Sometimes i feel like i care for him so much more than that other person who once had a great impact on my life. I need to just be me, real, a good friend and a good Christian. That is the key to my happiness.

My Frozen just got melted

Ever feel like someone you love is in your life constantly reminding you that you cannot do something and that you're not good enough? Well i have had my dose of that and i am now moving on.

Besides the crappy manic disorder of my father just last night, i have cleared my mind and learnt to embrace even the worst situations because these are the ones that are going to make me a whole lot better. I wouldn't appreciate my super amazing friend Stephon if things were peachy. Yes i actually called a name because he is that special. Anyways, as i was saying, Stephon has held my hand through this whole thing. Whenever i chatted with him it was like falling in love without actually putting feelings out there. He makes me feel important.

No, I'm not going to fall hard and then try to turn things around. Been there, done that and it didn't turn out so well. At least i have a new job to look foward to tomorrow morning and i have never been so excited to wrap people's groceries before. I guess everybody has their preference of a job and this time i am not going to let anyone get to me. I am going to suck it up, face reality and be the damn best hardworking wrapper there is. As for my friend Stephon, i won't lie... I really wanna kiss him. ;)

Why I turned off my cellphone

I'm not being a hot head, or irrational. I'm being smart. If you want to play indirect mind games with me then i'm going to do the same. I have let you toy with my emotions right through and i have had enough.

So, all the time you said i was busy and you didn't want to stop me from being on the internet doing nothing so i let you go to bed or whatever because i didn't want to force you to speak to me. Now you're calling my phone for God knows what and i know it's going to be the same thing.

Like i said before, if you wanted to, you would. I'm going to take this time to think. What do i really want? What is it that HE really wants? You always feel you know everything. Even had the audacity to tell me i cannot control my feelings. Well i put that in its place.

There's no use talking to you and telling you whats going on with me if you're not gonna respond in a way that a human would respond. You always have some kind of reference to your supernatural abilities or your extreme power of knowing judo or "tai kwan duh", my words of course. I'm not gonna just lock you out. I will only respond to your text messages if i feel like it. Reason being: I don't want to feel like i won a prize by getting a phonecall from you. I'm all worked up and you're like bleh. So here's the deal. Work on how to pull your head out of your butt and share your feelings or be the hard ass that you are.

On the path to being a good Christian

As a Christian, we've been repeatedly and sometimes forcefully taught that in order to be in a relationship, both persons must be equally yolked or even in faith and beliefs. I understand that concept and it is such a true statement but now i'm using my knowledge to explore a whole different take of the statement.

I have this really good friend of mine, he is not a Christian and he does not really engage in spiritual activities but i encourage him from time to time. I can't shove the word down his throat so i consider it to be a gradual process which will eventually change his life. Although he is not a Christian, he is a very kind hearted, open , honest wonderful person who has that special heart. I can't picture him getting hurt because then i feel sad too.

Not every Christian marriage is perfect where the couple find each other through church and grow together. Some relationships are fixed in a way where one person needs to help the other reach up to his/her level and higher. Somehow i feel like God is speaking to me and gave me my friend and our closeness as a project to test my patience and knowledge. I am currently being there for my friend and keeping a clear mind as much as i can. I don't judge his decisions and i certainly do not judge his outcome. I have so much confidence in him and i believe that he is going to be someone great that will impact people just like him.

Senior Christians will tell us and encourage us to hang out with the right company. To turn away our bad influential friends. But i say yes and no to their message. YES, you cannot be around people who you know will harm your spiritual well being but NO you cannot abandon the ones who really need your help. Some one person can look at you and say "I want to be like him or her" and they're just looking into your eyes to see if you'll leave them alone or hold their hand. I'm not going to be baised and small minded. I'm thinking outside the box. The bible gave us the knowledge, but it is all about our interpretation and application to the Christian values in our lives that could change ourselves and the people around us.

If you wanted to, you would

You think you try, but you don't. You always say you care more but you don't. If you call me, i will make time to speak with you even if i'm on the internet. The internet isn't my life. You're part of my life.

I just have this feeling like you don't wanna talk to me. I don't mind not talking to you every hour of the day but once or twice would be lovely. Of course i can't have that because apparently i'm always busy when i'm currently unemployed sitting home doing absolutely nothing and my semester just started so no exams to study for. -_-

I gotta get a new plan, a new strategy.. I'm going to act like i'm high. Like i don't care. A little reverse psychology on you. Just because you projected a physiological state on me, you're gonna get what you really deserve. If this is how you imagined a relationship would be like then you got it. I just hope its not too much for you, cause you seem awfully busy.....hahahaha

How it is

T and  i have this weird relationship. It's like a friend to friend relation without the not kissing and not being totally in love with one another. I really appreciate the lengths he goes to make me happy and i wish there was more i could do to return the favor but once I'm confined to the shaky walls of this mad house i can just pull the curtains to see him.

We dont talk everyday, not because we don't wanna talk to each other, it's just because he is currently working and i'm not and i don't like to disturb him from doing something productive. Maybe i should lay low and let him take control a bit because i realize every time i text him or try to call him these days, he just ignores and replies way after.

If i were the picky kind of girl i would have a big problem with him not being there always but he knows exactly what i need and i can't blame him for trying to satisfy me. We all know how girls are hard to please at times so i think he's doing a pretty good job at it. On the other hand, i would like the company, the acknowledgment of my existence but i guess i can't have the cake and eat it too.

Maybe the reason i stay up til morning is because the internet gives me the attention i desire and i'm just making up for all the lost times with him. It's a temporary relief i know but it's what i have right now and what i'm willing to work with. Right now i could imagine him all cozy in his bed sleeping and waiting for the right moment to wake up and do his crazy early morning routine. And me... I'm up here watching Awkward because it's relatable.

Love for me isn't complicated, it's just concealed for now. I just hope this lack of communication does not go on forever. I'm starting to think he's hiding something and when a girl starts to think that, Lord knows what will happen...

I'll tell you even if i can't

If i could see you in person right now, i'd say these things to you:

1. Girls like their boyfriend to show them interest. So if you're up all night and don't even bother to text or call, then you're being useless.

2. Girls like to communicate with their boyfriend. If she can't talk to you at least once a day, when she is getting the attention from another guy, she'll take it and you'll get jealous.. typical..

3. You can't only be there when things go wrong.

4. You don't need this right now. You don't know but you're being self centered. You don't know how to treat a girlfriend.