Wondering

You take your time to sort your thoughts out so why not sort out mine. You can wait. I've been considering some comments made by people who know me. One of them was "You deserve a whole lot better" and the other was "Do you know what you got yourself into?"

To both statements, its questionable. I've got this feeling.... a strange feeling that I need to pray about. I caught myself thinking about this dude, awkward enough he is young and shouldn't be on my mind in the first place but i can't control my thoughts. They run wild.

I need to figure out how I feel first about everything and take my time. Rushing things will make me feel complicated and confused. You taught me to take care of myself so I hope you can handle your own advice.

Priority vs. Option

Is it too much to ask to be treated like i'm important? Does it take so much from a person to acknowledge your existence? Why do i feel like the strangers around me care more than you?

I don't want to let go at all but i feel like its an option i have to consider. I am a child of The Lord and i cannot let you mess with my mind. you stopped making the effort and now you're just hanging there, using whatsapp like you don't have my phone number and saying these short lines that makes it seem like you give a damn. So why don't you just go... ? I am a big girl and I can take care of myself very well.

I'll continue to live in my fantasy and watch you give up easily on me. I hope you're having fun because the show is just about to begin.....

It's Over

I dug you for an answer and you gave it to me. It's over. It's because of my father. You couldn't handle his disrespect and I understand that. But i thought you would at least fight for me and try to get through it with me but you showed me you gave up.

 

This was our fantasy, not just mine and you said you'll live in it with me but now it's just me (and God is always there) but physically just me. I should be angry, but i'm not.

"You were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles and my daddy said stay away from Juliet"- Taylor Swift. This love story has ended, leaving my heart broken. I wish there was something i could say to make you stay but there isn't.

In my head, you're still there. Maybe you're just hurt and confused. Well at least i can create a fantasy where you will come back to me one day. I am waiting... I can't just let someone hold my heart the way you did. I don't believe it's over because i dont want it to be.

Every night I do the same thing: Wake all night until i get tired, waiting for a text or a phone call from you the way i used to get it. I cry almost everyday because i cant place this hurt on other people but rather let it out when i'm alone. This morning when i saw your text it made me cry. I pulled myself together for the sake of being strong and having hope that someday you might change your mind about me.

And who are you to tell me this wouldn't work when God is the only one who can do that?

Bittersweet

You took my heart and shattered it and handed it back to me. You said to let go and I didnt want to but you've proved to me that you don't want me around anymore.

I can't help but feel alone and empty inside. The only thing that has me going is Jesus. You made it clear enough without an explaination. How do you do that? I guess you figured out a way. I still want to hear your part but i'll wait until you have to tell me.

My heart hurts. I don't think you're gone. It feels like the door is still open and your leg is just halfway through. There is something else affecting your decision and i'm going to investigate without even saying a word. I can pretend like it's just a wind through the hair but............

What are you?

Ever since my father came back to town he wants things to go his way. He is making my life complicated. I don't know when he'll stop. He acts like his way of living is the perfect way.

Who are you to tell me about my friends and the world out there?? Have you died and came back from the afterlife to make that judgement? You insist in wrecking every little faith I have by telling me in your words what the world has to offer. You finally did it. You're tearing people away from me. You're making them feel hurt, embarassed, and even consider staying away from me. You want me to be alone.

What you don't know is that i feel his emotions. The "he" i talk about is my boyfriend that you don't know about because you strongly oppose those kinds of relationships. What am i supposed to do? I hurt, i break and fall and what if one day there isn't any support like him?

You make me sick. If this is how you're gonna treat me, then I don't wanna be here. I want an escape. Lord, just open a door for me. I dont wanna lose him..

They Judge

We are two grown people and it doesn't matter how old I get, I will always be judged by people who claim their lives are perfect inside out.

We can never be too sure about anyone. It's only if i give up on you, then you would realize i don't care about you enough to wait and see what you can do. But no, they judge. They want to say something bad about someone they don't know a thing about.

Sometimes i wish my family was a good bunch. The ones who accept things for what they are instead of shoving a heapful of "advice" down your throat everything you do something on your own. Sometimes i feel like i need an escape but i dont wanna run away. How do i cope with the bitterness of the judgements and still keep a happy face for the one who likes to see me smile?

Humans are very funny beings... They should be glad you're going for better and being happy but instead they take joy in your pain. They just want something bad to happen to come to your face and say, "I told you so."

Yeah, my life isn't crystal clear at this moment but someday i'll be able to make my decisions without hearing all these whispering behind the curtains.

Where I Stand

I don't know what "get to know me" period is this, but i'm sick of it. I can't stand not hearing from you and you act like its nothing.

You make me so mad and at the same time I love you. You think this is helping me in any way but it's not. You're just tearing me up inside. I'm gonna show you exactly how it feels. No phone calls, no texts, no replies. I might as well give you your "get to know you" space because it seems like you really need it.

Don't expect me to be ok with all your decisions. Sometimes you think of me more than yourself and sometimes you misjudge while doing that. I already told you, you do not affect me negatively and I need to hear from you. But since you disagree I guess you'll have to come find me.....