There is a guy... oh there is a guy. "Doc, I think I may be sick.. Can you check me out?"
Ridiculous much? That's me not caring how I sound being all girly and screaming internally every time I see his face. He is so handsome with the best smile ever. He is gentle and kind and speaks with such confidence to all his patients. I woke up from a nap to find myself in a daze because the feeling was so real. I think I was about to make my move when it all ended. Bam. A mosquito flew up my nose and I woke up by force.
A girl can daydream at a nice guy... It doesn't always have to lead to somewhere but you always need that eye candy to go through that perfect stormy day. I don't know if he notices how I stare at him like he is a piece of cheesecake. Damn..
Just the thought of it has me falling.. Or does he remind me of someone from my past? Stay tuned.
As they roll down my warm cheek, I remember the times when I didn't have the burdens of adulthood to worry about. I don't know what's worse, working two jobs and balancing school or trying to make a life outside of this shell. It almost seems as thought there is a web holding me back and I'm the poor miserable fly looking for a way out. It doesn't matter how I feel. All I know is that I have to make it in this life.
People who I thought was there for me isn't. I open up to people and they just move on with their life. I think people are starting to become even more selfish than before.I'm exhausted. I'm worn out... I'm overworked and underpaid. I can't seem to be happy no matter what I do. But this is just a temporary situation and I know that. The hardest part is faking a smile to show everyone that it's all ok when its not.
I'm doing this career as though I'm a robot. I feel as though my life and joy is being sucked out of my body. I just need an escape. I plan to be the best at everything I do so making a change in careers isn't gonna put me down. Sometimes we go through our whole lives doing what is expected and not what the heart really wants. These tears will not fall in vain...
So the "feels" is real. I don't ever get butterflies when I see or speak to a person but I got them today. I don't know where this is gonna go this time around but I am so fascinated to see. It's not gonna hurt because I'm not gonna let it reach that place. I am in control this time. I am controlling my emotions, my feelings, my attitude. I just wanna grow personally.
I asked him out on a date to go see a movie. He said yes. *Girly squeals* I know I'm a little too grown to be reacting like a spoilt teenager who has her first crush on a hot guy but I can't help it. I don't really feel a lot, so when I do, it comes like a tsunami. I'm gonna be excited all week. I have something to look forward to. And it's not gonna suck. I am confident. Heart beats fast, colors and promises.. I could think of lyrics to a lot of love songs right now. I have longed for a second chance cuz I was the one who messed up. Now that I'm finally getting that, there is no way on earth I'm gonna let that go...
I thought I would be done with college by now but oh well.. I guess this is fine... Waiting around, asking God for some kind of miracle. I don't even wanna stay in this career path right now.. With life throwing its best at me I am trying to work two jobs and maintain a certain level of sanity within. I can't stop striving for success
Personal Life:
This is gonna be interesting. The guy who I've been interested in for a while finally gave me attention but how long was that? 10 minutes? I am not falling for that anymore. It is time to put aside childish desires and start to live in preparation for the future. Attention; I'm getting that and I didn't even had to ask for it. Who knows sickness can bring people together who never even met before. I can't wait to see where this goes.
Look at the way she looks at him... Look at her happiness. It's fan fiction in my head because they are not really in a relationship but seeing this pic makes me so happy.
I am not the kinda woman to be loved out of fantasy. You gotta know I am real. The realest as they come. The things I would do for you I wouldn't even do for blood sometimes. To be taken for granted all the time is the worst feeling ever. I will not bow down to anyone except God. I set my standards pretty damn high and will not allow anyone to come and shoot me down.
My life isn't glittery and princess-y. I am working on me. I constantly evaluate my behavior, thoughts and emotions to make myself a better person. But when you get into the real world and have been double-crossed, taken for granted, used, hated for no reason and pushed over, you become the most hardest person to deal with. If you can't love me for who I really am, then you have to try and love me for who I've become...
I did not commit murder but it sure as hell feels like it. I don't like being in this situation. Wondering what is for me, what works and what does not. Why place yourself in a situation and you have to crawl and claw your way back out to safety?
I feel like I've been down this road continuously and it just isn't making any sense. I get this feeling like I'm done... Done with everybody and their tensions and their pressures to be more than I can be. Sometimes you have all you asked for and still you're not happy.
Judge me or not, I'll always hang on to my faith. The God I serve does not make mistakes. He allows situations to occur to make us stronger and braver. You can fall a thousand times and He will always pick you up. It just takes time before one can truly be happy....
I rushed to the hospital when I heard the news.
My heart throbbed as though I took a million heart stimulants for breakfast. I searched the entire ward with my eyes, looking for that familiar face. When I heard the voice, I followed it until I met him slung up with braces on his body. His spine looked as though it had been ripped out of his back.
Just the sight made my stomach hurt. I went and asked what had happened. The reason was so unlike him. It didn't make any sense. I promised him I would care for him until he got better. I promised him I was not giving up on him.. I held on to his hand like I was holding it for the very last time. After that I woke up crying. Tears flowing down the side of my cheeks and soaking my pillow. My heart still racing as though the dream had become real. My heart ached. For days I was distraught. I couldn't stop but think about it. I still remember it like yesterday.
The dreams keep coming. They feel like nightmares but then I realized, they are not. They are all my bottled feelings that have been unresolved and lost in the abyss. I thought by now I should be happy but like it's a painful thing to let go of what never got a fair chance...
