50 Shades - The Male Nurse..Fantasy #2

His presence was noted at the point of entering the ward. I put my bag in the staff room and got myself ready for work. After the handing over on the female side of the surgical ward, we went to the male side. He grabbed a pile of folders and dragged the side desk closer to us. I listened to everything he said and took the words as they came out of his mouth.

He finished the hand over and I walked to the last cubicle. "Can you help me with a bed bath?" he asked.
I said, "Sure."
His smile indicated that he was pleased with my response so we did the bed bath together. It was nice... timid... quick. After that, I followed him to see if i could learn some things from him. I saw a foot dressing, which i assisted in. He disappeared after that. At the time of vitals, I sat by the desk next to him charting information. Somehow, the topic reached from which year i was in to 50 shades of grey. He laughed at my little comments heartily.

He gave a patient a placebo, which made me laugh and feel amused. It was the first time i saw that being given on the ward. While we spoke his eyes were fixed on me. I could feel it. I tried not to look at him to look like a lioness with meat in front of her. He called me to learn about meds. It was he and I alone until my rowdy colleague joined us. She shows her true colors when her best friend isn't around. She made it very clear to a doctor that i am not her friend. I am just an associate. I really had no problem with that considering how lunatic she can behave. But being real, she is not a nice person. She is brutally insultive and over confident that she can do everything. While we we learning how to mix and pull up meds, i felt intimidated because she was right up in my face trying to take the position of the male nurse.

After that, brain studied and processed this new side i'm seeing of my colleague. I quizzed myself for a logical explaination but i just couldn't find any. She was just a bitch. I don't know if it surfaced, but while we were dispensing the meds to the patients, he asked me if i was ok silently. I nodded, said i was fine but he didn't take that for an answer. He asked me if the girl was my friend i said no. Just a colleague because that is what she said. He told me its sad but i disagreed. I showed him the tough shell that was built around my emotions. 

It's like he read every action, every emotion, like he looked into me and saw that i was not ok. He showed too much concern than he should be. I just kept it together for the sake of my dignity. His voice is warm. I know now i can't let things bother me while i'm around him. He'll definitely see or detect it. His shift ended at 1 pm and mine at 3 pm. I told him i run away from the ward at times and i did. He signalled to me that it was time to go and that he wanted me to come along. I walked downstairs with him. He offered me a ride which i accepted once it was ok with him.

On the way home, we talked, laughed, recollected. I knew i was going to see him again. I said goodbye and left his vehicle. The smile was painted on my face til i was halfway home. It all seems like a fantasy to me but the truth is... It was real.

Dare to Date

A guy who usually comes in the store who became my friend asked me to go for ice-cream. I don't know how to feel considering I don't experience this thing people call feelings.. I haven't given a definite answer as yet but i'm just avoiding the conversation. If he happens to ask me if i'm going, i'll just say yes and take a chance.

I feel like i'm getting attached to someone though... not the guy who asked me out. I wanna shake these feelings badly but all i can do is try to push it out of my mind. It's like this huge elephant in the room that i'm trying to hide with a sheet of paper. I get flushed when his name is brought up, i ignore everyone else when he is talking to me, i give him little gifts because he is going through a tough time...I don't know what this is supposed to be.

At some point i'll have to fall in love but i don't know if i'm being dilusional. I'll just have to take my time, take a few steps and see where things go. So yes, i may go on this "date" but i believe that this person will be running through my mind a lot like he already does. I really hope this silly crush goes away....

Lunch Date - Fantasy #1

He walked up behind me as I was packing the shelf and whispered without drawing attention. "Come with me," he said. I followed. I trusted him.

He opened the door to the stairway and shut it when I walked in. His voice was soft... If he talked louder it would echo against the walls and the supervisor would hear us.
"I've thought about something," his lips were delicate in forming every word.
"What is it?", I was just about to let my mind stray and take control.
"I have a friend... She is really nice. I think I like her."
"A  potential wife?", I knew he understood what I was talking about.
"Well, it's more complicated than that."

At this point in time, I didn't know what to think. He held my hand and invited me for lunch at his place the next day.

After anticipating what to wear, I put on a plain black t-shirt with a skinny jeans and went to his place. He answered the door with a smile on his face, giggling at the message I sent him when I was outside. He invited me in and told me to sit on the sofa. I sat and my eyes followed where he went. He pulled a dish out of the oven and placed it on the counter. He cut the pie and put two pieces on two plates and walked towards me.

"I hope you enjoy it. I made it from scratch - Jamaican style pie," his eyes glistened with the mild indoor light that hung above his head.
I tasted it. It was delicious. He really knew how to cook and wasn't just bragging about his homestyle dishes. I applauded him and his face lit up. After eating I demanded to help with the dishes, which I did. We then sat on the sofa together.

I asked him about the girl he spoke of the day before but he didn't say much. He just told me that in time to come i'll find out who it is. I agreed. I looked at him and turned away and he came closer to me. Our eyes met and he said, "It's you. I dreamt you. I can't stop dreaming you. Ever since I met you... I am who I am and i'm not going to change. But you make me want to."
I was surprised. "Me? But wh-".
It was all I got to say because he reached for my face and kissed me. I felt a bolt of electricity run through my entire body. I breathed heavily. His eyes never left my face. I could tell there and then that everything he said, he meant it.

Everything else went back to normal the next day at work. I thought about him even more and the rest was left undecided..............

The Fantasies of a Misfit

I don't consider my life complicated or conflicted. I consider it really awesome because of the multiple fantasies i create and act out in my head.

 

I see couples on a daily basis holding hands, hugging, kissing, being there for each other and i'm like 'get a room already'. I say that not because i'm bitter, it's because i dont wanna see something that will make me realize that i'm single. I like being single but at times i wish i could hold someone's hand and hug them. Am i asking for too much? I don't think so.

 

I just pushed away my potential sweetheart... Doesn't feel all that peachy but maybe i'm being less selfish this way. I rather him see all that is out there than me just boring him with my simple pathetic life. I don't have a problem with my life though.. I think it's just fine. I just wonder what is there to look forward to.

 

So i decide i'll create my story. The perfect love story. Day by day i'll gather the pieces and when it sounds good enough to be a novel i'll pray that it comes alive.

 

 

 

 

Screw You and Your Perfect Life

Nothing says i dont give a shit like "Don't even bother to come to my wedding". But you know what, i'm not hurt, i'm really relieved. I can just ease back now and relax. No responsibility, no drama, no expense.

I never thought i'd be this straight forward before. I thought i'd pretend for the sake of other people's happiness but i dont know how to be anything but real anymore especially in this world filled with people who are waiting for you to step down to walk all over you. If they're not involving in my personal life, they're judging my actions. And for what? Self-satisfaction? You think you'll feel better about your life if other people's lives has scratches and dents.


Staying home from work for 2 days doesn't mean i can hide forever. I'm just trying my best to work this out and stand down for a while. I feel like i'm chasing the paper too fast that it just isn't coming in. I should just focus on the more important things. Like having a life for once and breathing fresh air, and getting to know people who will affect my life in a great way..


So here we are again, the same old people who were good before. Talking about how life is a mess.. We're just beautifully challenged misfits.

The "Feels"

I made a new friend... Funny story is he is not a citizen of this country and in order to secure his citizenship he needs to apply for it or get married. The deadline for application passed so now he is at his last resort which is marriage.

I had the thought of agreeing to a business marriage but I don't think its the best idea for me. Of course it is strictly business but i am afraid that i will get too caught up in the actually title of being "married" and then get all emotional.
I really want to help though, in the search of a business wife candidate.

I'm sitting here typing this wondering: "Is this linked to my weird dream of me being in a white dress?" Oh well, for all i know this could be coincidental. I really think it's cute that we became friends. I just hope that he gets his citizenship and start his life in the place where he wants to be..

Forget ME and My Dumb Feelings

So i came up with this great idea to make our lives easier at home by inviting a friend to assist in paying the rent while helping him to get a hold of his future career but it appears to me like the selfishness of a "so called Christian" is overbearing.

I've been hurt by the wrong accusations so much to the point where i could have a meltdown and to add, i already told my friend he is welcomed to come. How am i to turn down my best friend for the sake of one person with a stupid uneducated, unrevised, unconcerned opinion. She has major trust issues and people problems. How can you express your love for the Lord if you have problems with the people around you. Your own cousin you call all sorts of bad names and expect your crown in Heaven to be pre-polished?

I just feel like there is no pleasing everyone. There is just me trying to climb this mountain and the Lord is holding my hand as i keep my head up from letting the tears hit the ground. I am starting to become distant... i just wanna escape. My best friend and i are not on any games. We aren't putting on an act to be together or to secretly live together. One day we will rise to the top and we will prove all the doubters wrong. I'm just waiting to soak in the wide mouthed reactions to a beautiful and successful friendship........