The Fantasies of a Misfit

I don't consider my life complicated or conflicted. I consider it really awesome because of the multiple fantasies i create and act out in my head.

 

I see couples on a daily basis holding hands, hugging, kissing, being there for each other and i'm like 'get a room already'. I say that not because i'm bitter, it's because i dont wanna see something that will make me realize that i'm single. I like being single but at times i wish i could hold someone's hand and hug them. Am i asking for too much? I don't think so.

 

I just pushed away my potential sweetheart... Doesn't feel all that peachy but maybe i'm being less selfish this way. I rather him see all that is out there than me just boring him with my simple pathetic life. I don't have a problem with my life though.. I think it's just fine. I just wonder what is there to look forward to.

 

So i decide i'll create my story. The perfect love story. Day by day i'll gather the pieces and when it sounds good enough to be a novel i'll pray that it comes alive.

 

 

 

 

Screw You and Your Perfect Life

Nothing says i dont give a shit like "Don't even bother to come to my wedding". But you know what, i'm not hurt, i'm really relieved. I can just ease back now and relax. No responsibility, no drama, no expense.

I never thought i'd be this straight forward before. I thought i'd pretend for the sake of other people's happiness but i dont know how to be anything but real anymore especially in this world filled with people who are waiting for you to step down to walk all over you. If they're not involving in my personal life, they're judging my actions. And for what? Self-satisfaction? You think you'll feel better about your life if other people's lives has scratches and dents.


Staying home from work for 2 days doesn't mean i can hide forever. I'm just trying my best to work this out and stand down for a while. I feel like i'm chasing the paper too fast that it just isn't coming in. I should just focus on the more important things. Like having a life for once and breathing fresh air, and getting to know people who will affect my life in a great way..


So here we are again, the same old people who were good before. Talking about how life is a mess.. We're just beautifully challenged misfits.

The "Feels"

I made a new friend... Funny story is he is not a citizen of this country and in order to secure his citizenship he needs to apply for it or get married. The deadline for application passed so now he is at his last resort which is marriage.

I had the thought of agreeing to a business marriage but I don't think its the best idea for me. Of course it is strictly business but i am afraid that i will get too caught up in the actually title of being "married" and then get all emotional.
I really want to help though, in the search of a business wife candidate.

I'm sitting here typing this wondering: "Is this linked to my weird dream of me being in a white dress?" Oh well, for all i know this could be coincidental. I really think it's cute that we became friends. I just hope that he gets his citizenship and start his life in the place where he wants to be..

Forget ME and My Dumb Feelings

So i came up with this great idea to make our lives easier at home by inviting a friend to assist in paying the rent while helping him to get a hold of his future career but it appears to me like the selfishness of a "so called Christian" is overbearing.

I've been hurt by the wrong accusations so much to the point where i could have a meltdown and to add, i already told my friend he is welcomed to come. How am i to turn down my best friend for the sake of one person with a stupid uneducated, unrevised, unconcerned opinion. She has major trust issues and people problems. How can you express your love for the Lord if you have problems with the people around you. Your own cousin you call all sorts of bad names and expect your crown in Heaven to be pre-polished?

I just feel like there is no pleasing everyone. There is just me trying to climb this mountain and the Lord is holding my hand as i keep my head up from letting the tears hit the ground. I am starting to become distant... i just wanna escape. My best friend and i are not on any games. We aren't putting on an act to be together or to secretly live together. One day we will rise to the top and we will prove all the doubters wrong. I'm just waiting to soak in the wide mouthed reactions to a beautiful and successful friendship........

Dream Cloud

I know i'm not supposed to be thinking about kissing this guy, but come on... he is attractive, cool, laid back and he got the nerd flick going on. Everything i described there was what i should be staying away from. But... i'm still allowed to have my fantasies once they're not rated R. I really appreciate his friendship and his time.

There is just that moment when no more words are left to say that he send an emoji and it just brightens up my face. That alone is showing interest to talk. That doesn't make him Prince Edward but it makes him somebody in my life right?

Anyways. I think my feelings are starting to re-surface which explains the late night and morning convos and insomnia. I guess i'm contented with the people that are in my life and who are entering it.

Dreams and Gowns

I found myself wearing a big white dress.. It was almost like a wedding dress, but could this be my wedding?

I didn't stop to think. I was at the bottom of the stairs to my college building. I ran breathlessly up the multiple flight of stairs, tripping over my dress and feeling anxiety and fear curling into my gut. I had no idea what i was in pursuit of but I was determined to get there.

At the top of the staircase, on the highest floor, I saw my friend's brother sitting at the table so I approached him to say a friendly hello. A voice appeared behind me. A deep masculine voice that made me spin around to be caught by his singled out words. He said, " Why waste your time talking to a little boy when you can be talking to a big man?"

My facial expression changed. I swung around to glimpse at my friend's brother but he looked unmoved. From there, it all faded. It was the first dream I remembered so well. The meaning, unknown, but I believe it's some kind of sign that will appear eventually.....

Back from Wonderland

Just a few days ago, a person from the past returned to me. Not in spirit but in actual flesh. This guy shows so much interest in me but what should i say to him? Am i supposed to run back into his arms and say all is forgiven?

I did forgive him because his apology was so logical and sincere but that does not mean that all is peachy. Honestly, he had a part of me that nobody else could find but he let it slip away so now he has to regain it. Time, effort, love and patience will bring that back but i know how some guys are; determined to a point of tolerance.

What do i want?


Friendship. I believe through friendship, one can achieve love. If i didnt agree to speak or have any relations with this person again, he wouldn't be my friend and he wouldn't get opportunities to impress me.

I've got too many things going on in my life to make room for disappointent, hurt, resentment and heartache. I need to be real with people. I can't give you the attention you deserve. I can only be a friend and hold your hand from a distance. The Lord is my strength and i know someday my emotions will flow back to me at the right time. ..........