There's a girl. Actually a woman. She has made a name for herself. She fights bravely like no other. From the moment she feels threatened she guards herself but there's more...
She is in love with a prince. He holds much rank and knows a lot about fighting himself. She taught him how to control his anger and to be calm in unpleasant situations. He admires her, but is afraid to put himself foward. He doesn't want to be seen as weak. He doesn't want to let his guard down for her.
She can break those walls but it will take courage and strength, both skills she possesses. She wonders when she has the silence, "Why does he disappear into the night like a dark wolf and then reappears all of a sudden?" He always says thats what he's about but sometimes she doesn't want him to fight for her. She wants to do it herself because that's the way she always knew. Its great to have another soldier on your side but we are responsible for our own lives. One slip and the fight is over and it's not worth it.
This here, isn't what I expected living at home would be like. It makes me feel like we're strangers. My father is always rattling about some foolish things and makes it very uncomfortable for us to live here. He keeps telling us to leave and if we had somewhere to go right now we would.
Lord alone knows what his plans are but we know one thing; we're not a part of those plans. We all try our best to hold the peace but it gets very difficult when someone keeps quarelling about nothing. I don't know why he did not stay where he was and just support us financially. It was so much better all the time. Life isn't peaches and cream right now but somehow we're all holding it together for the sake of the three of us. He, can stay and rot in his house. I'm sorry for my thoughts and my harsh words but that is what he wants. That's what he's been asking for, for the last couples days and weeks.
I really need to get this job because I have no money coming in my hands at the moment. I am just holding on to the hope that I could right the wrong and get my job back. I know a lot would have regret quitting their job but i didn't regret it when i quit mine. I just learnt how to deal with everyone and everything as it comes along. Nobody understood what took place with me when i was in my position. I knew. I didn't have the outlook like i have now. With my faith, I stand strong and keep praying.
These days we're not getting to see each other and it's just tearing me up inside. I have to sort my feelings and remind myself that this distance will cause my mind to stray. I have to pray real hard so that this desire to kiss you and hold you and be close to you doesn't turn into lust.
Which girl doesn't wanna be kissed? I mean... It's in our blood. Both men and women. I miss him a lot and I really love how things are going between us and I believe that distance doesn't weaken our love but that doesn't mean i don't wanna at least see him. We went deep into 'love' the other day. We talked about feelings, we got angry and we came to the point where we both acknowledged how great the other person is.
There are so many movies that display kissing, intense motions and actions and I could imagine he and I doing those things. I'm not interested in that part of him, I rather have an emotional connection first and leave the more intimate sections for later in the future. I love him, but I want to be with him in person too. One day I wouldn't have to wonder when i'll see him again. It'll just happen as the wind blows.
So i'm out of a job at the moment... That doesn't mean that i'm hopeless. I have the faith that tomorrow i will get a phonecall saying to come to work again. People may say quitting my job is a big mistake but I say not at all. If thats the only way to escape a position of a robot i'll do it again.
Sure, the cash is probably running low but I'm not dead broke. When i work again, it will be a lot better. I'm just thankful for life and i know that once there is life, there is hope.
It's strange how you changed your mind about our relationship. You made me cry, you made me almost give up on you and then you came back.
I guess my plan worked. I stood my ground and was brave enough to face my tough situations without you and you're here now when everything is okay. So you proved me wrong... you're not only here when everything goes haywire. You're what i needed to be inspired to keep my dreams alive. You're not my everything though. God is and will always be.
It seems like our relationship is different and as the days go by i'm understanding it a lot better. You may not always be there, but maybe it's what i need. With my school and work and family drama going on, you appreciate my busy schedule so you take a step back. I don't mind that because i don't like people nagging me but i'll need you sometime. (All the time but i can't be selfish). All i have to say now is don't let me down. I've let you back in for a reason..
My friend who is very close to me is so amazing. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and I really wish he'll stick around for a long while but there's one thing. His girlfriend has exams going on so he has a lot of free time now but when her exams are over he will be occupied. Its not that i'm jealous of her or anything, i'm just worried i might not be able to have that closeness with him anymore.
I wouldnt wanna be selfish because if i was in her position i would wonder why some chic would want to talk to my man every time... I just have an issue with losing people because i lost my best friend some years back. He just happened to change and go in a different direction. Maybe i'm worried that this dude will do the same but maybe he won't.
I'm also concerned about his relationship. It's none of my business but i really don't want to see him get hurt. I don't know his girlfriend personally but from what i observed, she can hurt his feelings... I can see the best in a person even though they don't give that impression so i'm praying that this works out for him. I just don't want any secrets to be kept between them because i can recall a time she brought a dude by the place she worked and where we all worked and he was right there and got sad. Seeing him happy gives me joy and i want him to continue to be happy..
Today my friend made me realize what I need in my life. Everything is a mess now but that does not mean that determines my future.
What does my heart want? My heart wants someone to love me despite of my situation, someone who is willing to fight for me and won't give up easily.
What does my mind want? Peace. To stop worrying about everything and staying up late because thoughts are flooding my mind.
My friend is very patient with me. He understands me and knows that saying the words "I understand" does not make it better. As for the one who had and still has my heart, he still isn't showing me the interest I thought he would. He still lies in the shadows watching on as if he's not a part of my life. I think I'm going to put him on probation. When he starts showing that he really cares and not keeping saying it, then he will get that satisfaction of being called my boyfriend.
How can you expect someone to see your care when you don't even know what the term means. You've never had that caring relationship with anyone before so you'll keep acting that way. One more thing I also need: I need you to keep your distance. When you come too close it scares me because I know it wouldn't be for long. If you know you can't handle me, find someone who is easier to be with.
Sometimes, we make stupid decisions that may feel good at the moment but doesn't benefit anybody. So i decided that i'm going to right the wrongs in my life. I'm starting with my old job and continuing with my recent job.
I shouldn't let work get to me so easily unless it is life threatening or unethical. I need to let certain things go and just take a chill pill. I know i've done wrong and said wrong but at least i take responsibility for my actions. That is what makes me so mature for my age. We all fall at some point.. Why not dust yourself off?
Right now i'm feeling so anxious.. I quit my job yesterday and i don't know how to feel right now.
You called me yesterday on finding out that i quit because you didn't believe it. You acted like you gave a damn and told me you love me. How can i accept that. You always show up when everything goes haywire! I don't need you to be there only then! I need you all the time. Make me feel like i'm good enough for you and not just a charity case.
I don't need your pity or your "concern". I have Jesus to turn to for those things and even he doesn't pity me. He gives me strength. No man on earth can ever do that for me. The only reason I did not reply to your texts it was not only to spite you, it was because i dont want to talk to you. You always say something that will end up making things difficult like if you know everything. You pushed me to the edge until i was about to fall and then you reached for my hand at the last minute.
My friends show me more concern than you do and that should tell you something... If you want me... REALLY WANT ME.. then prove it.
I've realized that I'm just convenient for you to run to when your little life becomes boring or just uninteresting. You're a sociopath deep within and you don't even know it. Don't ever think that I need you so bad that I'll just give into your attempts of temporary conversations.
I've decided, this is the part where it's about me. You can kiss it .. and good because there are people out there who i never would have thought would care for me but they do. The most non-Christians, the most miserable, the most troubled, put aside their own life and struggles to be there for me. Right now there is one friend who is showing me more than i could ever ask and i am not involved with him romantically. If i can feel good without having feelings for him then why not continue it and not make things awkward? Besides, he has a girlfriend and i'm no homewrecker.
I don't know what goes on in your mind and what to expect. You always seem to know how to cover your tracks. You say you care for me and you say you love me but you don't show me in the way i expect you to for a man of such great words. Take your own advice, fix yourself before you enter a relationship because apparently you don't have a clue of how to treat a girlfriend.
