Beyond Repair

You stood there and watched me in pain with a sense of satisfaction. I watched you attack me both physically and emotionally. This was like a fight like no other. I can't go back from here. 

I wish I could just reverse everything that happened that night but I can't. I can still feel the pains of that entire relationship. The anger, the heat, the frustration being taken out on me. I don't deserve it. This is the end.

Suggestions, Suggestions...

Everybody got something to say now. I've been doing me all the time and it was fine, but now its all about what people thinks. You can never truly please anyone, so why even bother?

I feel depressed because it's me alone in this corner. My family is away. I miss them a lot and it feels as though I am fading away. I know this was a huge step. At one point I didn't even wanna take this step. I just wanted to be me in my own space. Now I'm in it and it feels like there are so many control mechanisms in place. People can't just leave you to be you and do what you wanna do. I can't share my feelings with just anyone. That's against the rules. Just let them see the side you want them to see.

Only God can comfort me right now. I'm getting tired of being the good guy all the time. Sometimes I just wanna be bad. Sometimes I just wanna break stuff and not have to explain why I did it. Sounds very explosive, I know. But why do I have to pretend that I'm so calm when I'm one suggestion away from losing it. Any other suggestions? What should I do next with my hair? What should I do next with my cooking? What should I do to my car? These are the things that people seem most interested about. Why can't y'all just chill out and let me be me and feel comfortable. Ever think people got a different way of doing things? Ever think people can have different ways of seeing things? 

See it from my perspective and feel how alone you would feel if everyone kept suggesting things to you as if you're nothing but a loser.

Alone, Yet Not Alone

I've defended you to only look like a fool over and over again. I'm living a nightmare right now. But bad dreams don't always last for long. I happened to be cornered by the struggles of life all by myself. God is always there with me, that's why I said I'm not alone.

The person that claims to love me is fighting me the hardest. I can't get over that. I should be at ease. I'm supposed to be at rest. I'm supposed to feel good about myself, not like I can't go on anymore. The pressure is so much that I feel like I'm about to break down. I'm holding myself together with one thread. 

You're not even proving yourself. You're just being the same old you. I can't live with that. Not now or in the future. I've stopped trying to explain myself. Whatever people want to believe, let them. I owe nobody anything. What's the point speaking if nobody hears you? This time I'm done. I'm just too tired. There is no going back.

Can we truly forget the past?

I've tried to forgive you for all the things you said to me. I've tried to ignore the hurt and pain and the regret but you're a constant reminder. I can't stand to be placed in a situation where I have to question if I love or hate you. 

The taste in my mouth has officially gone. When someone shows you who they are, you should really consider how that makes you feel. If it makes you feel guilty even though you've crossed that bridge a million times, then drop them. Only the devil brings up the past from time to time just to get in your head and make you repeat your mistakes. I've constantly been on this roller coaster. Going through the same damn emotions. Thinking that I need you when you need me. You need me to feel loved because you never had a person stay with you. Your relationships may have lasted longer than mine but at least I left when I realized I was bigger than that situation I was in.

I can't begin to imagine what is gonna happen to you. You're gonna crumble. You're gonna regret saying these things to me. You're gonna beg for a chance to even speak to me. And when you're over that, you're gonna realize that you push everyone away. You try to justify the wrong things. You try to make things seem like society is against you. Like you have no options. Sit there, watch me elevate. 

Things Need To Change

We've been here before... Almost the end. We are hanging on by a thread. We are fighting each other instead of fighting for each other. We need to be at peace once and for all.. But to accomplish this, we need to refresh.

Your ways are toxic in more than one. You have a hot head and an unstable thought process. Maybe you haven't been loved the right way before. Maybe you have your doubts and refuse to let your guard down fully but you can't keep doing that. You can't keep bracketing me as a potential attacker or potential offender. I wanna help you so bad. You say you're gonna change but it isn't happening. I'm giving you breathing room, I'm being supportive, I'm loving you from afar right now. How do I love you from up close again? 

It hurts not communicating to someone you are so accustomed to speaking to every single day. It hurts when you just have to keep your statements to yourself because no one else cares to hear them. It must hurt you too, now that I had time to think of that. Let's just reset. Let's focus on bigger better things. Less arguments, less fussing, less emotional outbursts. More love, peace and joy. 

                                         

A Rose

I know you don't like him. I know you think I deserve better. I'm sorry for disappointing you. At this point I feel I'm disappointing myself. Can a person be the rose and the thorns in your flesh at the same time? 

My memories fade away of everything else that could have been because you made it that way. You made me commit. You made me commit only to you. You made me feel limited. I still feel that way. I realize the more I say, the more I hinder my own progress. You don't have to know everything. I don't like secrets but you are making me keep some. Just to protect your fragile heart. 

You're the most sensitive guy I know. I feel like I'm too hard for you. 
"You don't need a soft man". A blatantly honest friend once told me.
I don't wanna hurt your feelings. I will say less and I will pray more. I wanna be myself but I feel like I'm being pushed into a cube that will shape my every word, my every desire, my every thought. I apologize in advance for the person I'm becoming...

"You Deserve the Best"

I was told those four words.

Made me question my whole decision making. Made me question my sanity. I don't know why I'm in this deep. I surely can't turn back the hands of time but I can move forward with a positive perspective about things. 

I have been wrapped up so long in my own feelings talking bout a happy ending. Talking about my last love. I don't know if I'm even in control of my love life anymore. I just feel like it's slipping out of my hands. How do I regain control? How do I feel like love is fun and love is what I need? Doing what's best for me is selfish, doing what's best for you is hurtful... So what am I expected to do? 

Long heaving sigh....

Loving you

I can't believe you stored all of my past stories in your head like ammunition to use against me when it's convenient to you. I can't believe I allowed  myself to be put in the position to feel pain and to be ridiculed. I can't believe you would intentionally hurt me over and over again. 

"It's gonna hurt me to hate you but loving you is worse." - Cardi B. 

I felt that. I felt those lyrics pierce my entire body. I can't stand to be around you anymore because it makes no sense loving someone who doesn't have the slightest bit of respect for you. If you gonna fire, fire all. Don't blindside me and bring stuff up when you're insecure. Let me know what you want from me. Let me know if I'm gonna be made a fool and when. Because that is what is going on continuously. Apologies mean nothing because your mind is set to one idea of love and how a relationship is supposed to work. 

If I can't feel secure and respected then I'm better off alone. I don't want this. Any of it. I don't wanna not have you by my side. But what are you doing for me? Breaking me down to your level? Constantly trying to infiltrate my safe zone? I was there for you. Even when I had all the opportunity to leave, I stayed. Who is gonna do that, huh? Who is gonna have your back? It's all in pieces and to be honest, I don't even know how to put it back together. 

Get out of My Face

What do I say now? Should I be angry? I have every damn right to. When someone tells you something is finished it never truly is. Sometimes you gotta hear from the other person to know. How many people gonna try to play me for a fool before I finally trip? You can do absolutely nothing to anyone and still be made look foolish. I ain't about to play the blame game but something is up with my life. I'm not lucky when it comes to getting close to people. 

I've found peace with my emotions. I've found joy in my silence. I don't got time for drama and the back and forth typical nonsense. It's worthless. I feel the more unbothered I am the better it is for every person who tries to know the real me. God is still watching me. He never leaves. He doesn't despise me like these humans would. That assurance is the only one I need. Not some empty promises with broken people...

It Ain't Always About Me

So recently I discovered that I stress way too much about minor things that shouldn't even phase me. I study what people think about me and how it is going to affect my feelings and emotions when I should be focusing on more important things like my dreams. 

I have a friend who always motivates himself and continues to pursue his biggest passion and even though we developed a very honest and worthwhile friendship, I was losing myself in pleasing him... I was worried that I will lose him as a friend if I get close to someone else or if I tell him what is really on my mind which is: "Do you consider yourself superior to me?" Maybe you should pull the huge stick out of your butt and start seeing things in a lighter version" or maybe "Stop assuming stuff and creating situations that aren't even there!"

But I couldn't say these things to him... Not because I'm afraid or walking on eggshells. It's because It ain't always about me. I have to accept that people gonna think what they want either way and I can only be real and if I tell people things the way I see them then I'll just be friendless and sad. He makes me so angry at times. He just digs and digs searching for the answer that suits him. It's like he is so hard to please and he is so wrapped up in his own little fantasy but all his motivational statuses are a cry for help. He ain't gonna love nobody until he sees his flaws. He presses a little too much and it will hurt me to know he just walks out on me because I've been there. I've agreed to things I wasn't even sure about because that is what real friends do. 

In the end, I put out way too much. But I benefit from all my effort. I have a direction.. I have a purpose.. I have a meaning in this life and nobody is gonna prevent me from having all that I need. I've become what millennials call, "WOKE". 

Guarding my Heart

How would you feel if I bring up my present problems every opportunity I get? Would you feel okay about it? Would you find the correct words all the time to say to me? Some people are so selfish sometimes. I just want to crawl in my cave and just shut the negativity out. 

I get that you're having a crappy time in your situation. I get that you're hurting. Aren't we all about something? Or someone? If I could erase the memories from my head I would, but the universe doesn't work like that. You gotta give a little, take a little. I don't think I'm gonna risk my heart being torn into pieces for nobody. 

"Tell them I was happy, and my heart is broken.. All my scars are open." - Shontelle

I Don't Wanna Play Anymore

It feels as though people keep putting me in a cycle. Love, care then be used, then fall out of existence for a while, then come back strong... It's reached to the point where the sting is there but the actions towards it have come to a halt. 

I don't wanna keep doing this. Hoping to fit myself into a puzzle that wasn't designed for me. I could be madly in love with someone and just walk past them without a smirk. I feel myself sinking to that place where all my tiredness is based on a mild depression streak. I work extra hours just to pass time. I don't wanna think about the hurt no more. As it comes, I just wanna be strong enough to learn from it and make my next wise move. 

What is scarier than feeling numb? To feel your heart breaking right before someone and all they see is the shell that portrayed something so genuine. Love isn't always fair. The good ones end up with the bad ones and the kindest hearts suffer a longing like no other. I'm done being that amazing girl who helps and who supports and who will run to your rescue. I'm gonna be the best person to deal with this situation now. I'm gonna step out my fantasy world now...

Charades

I don't know what hurts more. Being played into thinking something existed or just being strung along with broken emotions. My heart is in a horrible place. Sometimes I wish I felt nothing. But then what would be entertaining? 

He made me feel so comfortable I could share my deepest secrets with him. He made me literally fall for him without any intentions to catch me. He already had that person to fill that void. I was just a temporary fix that would make things a little more fun than usual. 

I cannot hold my breath no more. I feel so humiliated by one and the other is just using me to his advantage. Where do I stand? Should I just sit and allow these two people to impact my life like this? Or do I just make myself happy? Life cannot be explained at times. We all really wing it when we think about it. 

I will never forget the disrespect I felt when guy 1 told me he wanted to delete me from his life. After I've been there for you supporting you, making sure you're alright, giving you motivation... This is my thanks. I dunno what kinda game this has become but I don't wanna play anymore...

Fooling Myself

I've seen some things I didn't want to see... Then it all made sense. What if I am just a phase? What if one day you're gonna wake up and say, "I'm over her."
Nothing would hurt more. 

Ice runs through my veins because blood is just too warm. The feeling of warmth no longer intrigues me. The feeling of bliss no longer moves me. My heart feels like it's been attacked over and over again until it just can't beat the same way anymore. Here I am speechless, yet so many words left unsaid. So many words pounding my skull. All I can do is listen to sad songs and hope these feelings and thoughts are just paranoia. All I keep telling myself is settle down... don't get worked up over nothing. 

Time cannot erase. 

Bad Guy

In this life, you just can't please everyone. You gotta choose who you gonna please day by day. Or you can do like me and not give a shit. 

I was told that I am a bleeping bleep and that I treated a certain individual like a "dog". I had all right to do what I did. If I don't want negative vibes in my house, I can leave a person's clothes outside. If I cannot handle being treated like garbage I can walk away. If I cannot stand repeating myself and not being heard, I can stop talking. Things got way out of hand and I don't think it is about me and him anymore. This just became really personal. 

My other friend won't talk to me. I am officially blocked from everything I can get blocked on. But hey, two can  play that game and two played that game because I got to block first. It is such a shame that individuals listen to one side of a story and run with it and feel that everything they say is correct and I will always remain the bad person. One day everyone is gonna realize their mistakes and it will be too late. I would have already moved on with my life and actually find happiness in this world of users, abusers and addicts. 

Some of the things that were said hurt... I admit it. But I'm not gonna let that drag me below the state I am in already. Working fast food isn't my life long dream but it's better than nothing. At least I can see myself progressing and doing way more than depending on my friends to help me get through life. It ain't about all who can talk you out of situations... It's about who is real and willing to love you through all your messy ways... 

The Unreal became Real

He is back. Back into my life... this time not with a blue flower with red thorns but with a fierce desire to have happiness. 

I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him sitting on my couch, having the best conversation ever. I couldn't stop looking at his almost perfect face.. Those rosy lips that I once kissed on multiple occasions. That soft voice... I don't even need to go into further detail because I already know how much there is to admire. 

I didn't expect him to be so willing to bond with me because I had abandoned him at one period in time and he hated me for that. Forgiveness is really key to moving on and having a bright future. I have to say I don't expect white horses and chariots but I know what I deserve and I am gonna make sure that my standards are kept. 

We had an awesome night. Things took a very interesting turn but I think we are both grown enough to make decisions on the spot and we are comfortable with each other's body. Everything about him is so soft... so delicate as if I touch him deeply he'll tear apart. I still am in disbelief. I don't know what else to say to make this seem less corny but I know happiness when I see it. Positivity is way more attractive on a man than most attributes. I remember all the great times and hope to experience many more... 

You don't care about her

I don't see a reason why you would act this way. Has being a follower gotten you far in the past? Have mistreating people given you a drive to become a better person? 

I always tried to understand people but I realized it's an impossible task. How can you count the atoms of the air? You can't just pick a flower and be able to tell the exact species and correct shade of the petals without knowing a lot of detail about it. I guess this is my final point. I can't keep doing myself this. Guessing about a person hoping that some magical thing is gonna happen overnight. 

Sometimes when life throws you lemons, you just gotta throw it back and say no thanks... I'm feeling for grape juice today. I haven't felt this hurt in years. I used to be a better person. I could have brought myself up to standards. I could have motivated myself and stood my ground. One person can have you so weak and low. One person can strip you of all your abilities just like kryptonite. 

She is so brave. I admire her strength. Strength for two and a mind of one because clearly you don't consider her to mean as much to you as you claim. Where do I look for comfort? Only God can patch the wounds that run core deep. I am no longer that girl who begs for attention. I no longer have those feelings of pity. That girl is gone. What remains is an unbreakable shell with lots of emotions inside. But she will hide it so well, nobody will ever know. 

Pushed around

I have no idea what I did so wrong. Some people make it seem like if you have committed a crime. Who would have thought that family could be so cruel and ungrateful. If they can't use you, they don't favor you. I'm going to start passing everyone and not utter a word. 

I have never done anyone anything wrong. I know I am going places and people are going to be envious but this was not called for. I will not be victimized. I will move out of the situation and get my own. I cannot stay in here and watch them tear me down. 

Inner Peace

You have to Love yourself. Period. No ifs ands or buts.

Sometimes it feels like you don't get the attention you deserve. Sometimes you feel as though the earth could not move at all and you won't be bothered or nobody would look for you. Truth is, everyone is about their own business. Nobody is gonna blow a bullhorn every time you achieve something in your life. 

You have to learn to celebrate alone and with God being the first thing on your mind every single day. You have to embrace the peace you feel when you have time to sort out your thoughts. You have to learn to walk on a road that will take you to a secret place where you can be alone on the noisy days. 

Humans always feel the need to talk to somebody. Even me. On my worst days I just rant about people not being there for me on social media or maybe post a meme that relates to my situation but that's what most people do anyway. Treat yourself like you're a rich woman stepping out of a limousine with a glass of champagne in her hand. Royalty always beats mediocre thoughts. That royal mind state doesn't come just by a pep talk from a blog that people view now and then. That royal mind state comes when you learn you can walk alone...

Forgotten

On days like this I feel like I could hear people breathing. Like I could hear their cells reproducing.. Feel their energies. Because it's so damn silent. What if it all turned around on me? What if hanging out with a lot of guys backfired? Well this is the right time it would. The beginning of 2018.

Where is Candy Boy? Where is the guy who I had a crush on for like 2 years? Where is the revived zombie dude who agreed to go for ice cream with me one day? I have accomplished a lot for this vacation. A lot meaning reading out a romance novel and another book in the short space of two days. It doesn't feel so depressing after all. Maybe this is my time to meditate and focus on myself and God and the things that really matter; good old fashioned fun. Well, whatever that is. 

I am so accustomed to holding my breath and inching my way to make decisions but I feel now is the time when I have to really take risks. I went for my dream goal but it's not the right time. I felt it. Traveled for nearly two hours to be told you don't have the required documents... It didn't crush me then. It just made me smile because I know I will get it when I really need it. I could go on and on.. It feels so strange being alone but maybe this is what I need after all. I have a good feeling that story time is on it's way..