#TeamSavage

Some people think the world revolves around them. And then there are the ones who feel like if society owes them pity and praise. Hello? Wake up from that fantasy life because Shrek just walked in. 

So I had this genius idea to come up with a way to combat loser guys who think that women are just chew toys. I call it "TEAM SAVAGE". Rules are: anything goes. Once it's legal, morally accepted by a few women and approved by the founder ---> ME, then it's put into action. So without further ado, here are the first few steps. 

A guy asked me to hang out with him until it was time to go to church to break in the new year but you know what? I don't like people to put me on time frames. Sorry, that's so 2016. Excuse was poor but the guy actually bought it. "I have to water my plants... My kitten needs me". Haha.. If I could had framed that moment I would. 

The other one I called for help for a serious situation and he treated me like I was just a helpless citizen as everyone else. I think certain professions desensitize people into thinking that friendships are secretly plotting to destroy their lives forever. Well I know exactly how to handle those sort of people. You're gonna get the blue tick and nothing more. Since i'm just an accessory to your life and nothing more. 

My new year resolution.. I have none. Life is unpredictable. One minute you're in school and the next you're riding a police jeep to the police station for beating a guy senseless for mistreating a woman. Not saying this actually happened or will actually happen but I have to remain open to all possibilities. When I realized the game that was being played, I found out ways to play it myself. Once you have a game controller you can alter the configurations to suit your comfort. I do not do these things for satisfaction. I do it for justice. 

                                             

New Approach

I don't know what's more offensive, being called fat or being told I shop in a "dollar store for makeup". Geesh, these dudes have no chill whatsoever. This is the point of my life where I wish that I could hang out with potatoes and it will be more fun. 

I kinda screwed things up years ago with my first love. He poured his heart out to me and all I gave him was nothing. Maybe it's a wake up call. Stop allowing people to pour their hearts out to me and give them nothing but tears and heartache in return. Maybe I should stay from everyone. 

For the new year I wanna start doing new things. Being savage is one of them. I give dumb guys too many chances and ignore the good genuine ones. Next, I wanna start capitalizing my 'I' letters. I'm always lazy to hit the caps lock and leave it common. That stops with this blog. There isn't much to do now that I'm on the single train. Sure, guy friends will hit me up for a hangout session or two but what else is there? No real dates, no real crushes. 

This guy that recently admitted he wants another chance with me after three horrible 'dates' isn't even showing that. Maybe I should go off the grid for a few days...or weeks... or months. Too dramatic? I don't think so. I think I need a new approach because i'm being too nice. #TEAMSAVAGE 

Crushes

Crushes are petty little things. I wouldn't even consider them to be official. It can change a night or a lifetime. All depends on which end you're on. If you're the "crusher" or the "crushee". I had to create my own vocab just to describe it. 

1. Mystery
 
It all begins with secrets and maybe a few lies here and there to cover up real emotions. Its a natural thing. Not like you're gonna lie about your gender or anything like that. 

2. Jealousy 


When you have a crush, it is only natural to wanna shoot anyone who comes near that person. I know I wanted to a couple of times. 

3. Affection 


Once there has been an established likeness for one another you might wanna kiss each other to express feelings. Ahhh yess.. Memories... 

So thats basically the crush pointers. Why do they call it a crush? I'm guessing because it hits you hard and sometimes you can't get over it so it crushes you.. All this to say. Maybe i'm crushing on a few at this moment.. 

My Project

I don't know where I got the crazy idea from to take up a tiring project when i know clearly that exams are smashing me. But nevertheless, I wan't to cause a change in people's lives. I want to be the light that shines in the darkness. I want people to look at me and see Christ. 

This is no longer about me and my feelings. When you take emotion out of spiritual things, you will hear the voice of God more often. At least that is what I believe. So anyway, I've made a friend and he seems very into everything the world has to offer but I'm not losing faith that he will change. I've seen the worst turn out to be the best. I've seen the criminal bow before the Lord and ask for forgiveness. This is a normal human being with no criminal record and no drastic problem but there is one major issue. A man without Christ is nothing. 

So here I go, attempting to help another person. This time i'm excluding myself. If you want somebody to become closer to Christ, take away the temptation from the midst. Allow only positive things and keep safe distance. So what is this? Just a pep talk from me to me for him .... 

Can't Hide It

I can run away from you all the time and you'll still be there... If not personally, in my mind. Every moment reminds me of how happy I used to be spending time with you.

Its funny how you can now make a decision to move on and feel so happy already. It may seem heartless from a guy's perspective but nobody knows how much work you put into building something to have it just halt for temporary feelings. I think lyrics can express my feelings.. 

According to Drake, I gotta be the one to make up for lost times now.. 

David Archuleta said: I know this crush ain't going away...

Jordin Sparks said: Losing you is like living in a world with no air... 

No need to say any more.. Love Songs said it all.. 

New Beginnings

Most of the time when people say they have no regrets that's when they have the most.

I will say i regret some things i did but i already laid down my burdens before the Lord. I have shown Him i am dusting myself off and getting back on track with my life. Even though things went far off how i expected it to go, i am happy now that there is some sort of restoration. 

Things were said tonight that broke the ice, that made the air clear. Now it's just to give it time to observe where things are going. I would never rush into anything again because of the humiliation i experienced in the past. I am going to take my own advice this time. Let things flow into order. I don't have to hide anymore... He knows.. 

Attached

I've learnt, I can't have the best of both worlds. It's one or the other. Sometimes we make decisions because we think its what is best for us. But what if you have everything you need and its just not your heart's desires. 

Love comes in many forms.. But what i've learnt, it takes time. A wise person once told me never to rush anything... just take your time and enjoy every moment.. Little did i know that person was trying to tell me something more than just that. They were teaching me patience. Something i am lacking at the moment. If i had just listened things might have been different. 

I do not want to make myself a total fool by leading on that person when clearly i'm in a commitment. I'm being very indecisive and i can't explain why exactly. All i know, I am not sure of what is going to happen in the future. Promises may be broken, hearts may remain shattered... dreams may become mere fantasies..... relationships may become robotic.. I am not going to doom myself. I am going to just pray and observe every aspect of life. 

Better

It may seem like i'm being heartless... that i should be all emotional because I just got out of a relationship but i feel great. I mean... great guy, great treatment, great love shared but it was not for me. 

People will judge and say I'm just a heartbreaker.... i'm just another girl who is lost and confused and doesn't know what she wants. But really and truly, i do not know what i want. If i had everything under control then i wouldn't be living. I feel as though i'm able to clear my mind and to sort out exactly how i feel and it is what i suspected. The feelings never left.

Not one day passed by i didnt think of him. The memories were beautiful.. Nothing could replace him. Why talk so much about him? Because he left a mark. I was mean for leaving things unfinished. I was wrong for thinking i was spiting him and showing him how a 'real man' makes decisions. I never thought about the part where i have to miss the drives to the park, the adventures, the simple little moments together.. I gave it all up and now i want it all back.. 

I starting all over with a new mindset, a new goal, a new everything. Maybe a new career? Life throws so many opportunities at you.. It's up to you if you wanna let it slip away or hold on and pray for the best to come... 

                                    
                                                   

Where the Heart Leads

How do you take everything you had before and just throw it out the window and start new? How do you pretend like those memories aren't there.. like you never longed for such an amazing person.... 

Sometimes a person will walk straight into your life and give you all you ever wanted but if that person isn't who you want it will just fall to dust. How do you go by everyday thinking about that one person you really want and all you can do is say hello? Why does life happen in such a sequence you end up a horrible person?

When water hits iron after a while it rusts.. That's like you take my heart and add all these bottled up emotions and all this hurt and pain and then my heart just aches. Imagine how childish immature ways can lead to a lifetime of longing and sadness. Sometimes you're not happy, you're pleased. I don't wanna settle for second best. 

All I can do is pray. God knows best. With faith things are going to turn around. I just can't help but feel someone is going to get hurt. 


              

Thin Thread

So it seems that I finally got what I wanted except one thing... there is a thin thread holding on to what could have been and what I can't explain. Things ended abruptly but feelings were still in the mix. I dunno how to shake those feelings. All I could do is think about it and smile. I got exactly what I want and what I deserve.


I do not regret not making moves because it wasn't my responsibility. As a man you have to know what you want and whether you're ready or not, if you can see yourself with this person you have to make a decision whether you would like to be with them. You can't place a reservation on a human being and expect them to not want to go further. Women are emotional.. We desire certain things to keep us happy. Men sometimes fail to realize that.


So yes.. feelings will always be there. It just takes time to get over what could have been...

Just Stay

I've tried to push you away, to make excuses, to hide my feelings and just walk away but none of those attempts worked. I'm still here and you're still there. Memories oh memories. 

When you lifted me up in the park that night, when we went to the other park and you kissed me near that tree. When we stood under the arch that looked like a wedding venue.... when we froze our butts off at the boardwalk and had to hold each other to make it back to the car.. when we held hands at the mall.. 

I miss your face.. holding it.. kissing your cheek... wrapping my arms around you.. telling you how much i like you.. just being real and telling you how i feel. Why can't we just keep it the sweet simple way it was before? Just you be you and me be me.. I feel like that lack of proximity between us is tearing me up inside. I made a friend who started to become more than my friend. I knew it was you.. i knew that you weren't who i expected you to be .. and still in my eyes you are beautiful... 


                             

Somehow Empty

Its like filling a bucket with holes with water. The water keeps coming out and nothing can stay in. Sometimes the decisions we make might seem like a re-occurrence.. like its a cycle just waiting to come back and hit you in the face. I learnt that pushing people away isn't something we should do. Rejection doesn't feel good. Imagine if i was placed in that position where all i received was no. 

I am not going to act like i don't need anybody. Its been 3 or more days now and still no reply. It should not affect me but it does. My thoughts always run back to you. My memories are tattooed and i can almost hear your laughter again. I made such a fuss over something God can fix with time. But... at the end of the day, i did the right thing. You don't always get what you want.. Sometimes you have to use the knowledge and wisdom of God than to run with emotions. Emotions can lead you to a place of permanency based on your temporary emotion led decisions. If i said no to one person, i don't think i am ready to say yes to another... at least not yet... 

Red Flag

Can i laugh now? Because this is just too hilarious. 

What do you do when someone tells you one thing and shows you another? How do you show you care about someone? Do you just tell them and then make crazy decisions?

I won't lie to myself. The past few days have been hard. The joy is slowly fading. It's like a routine. Wake up, put on a face and go about showing the public that things are just 'fine'. What is fine? I try to convince myself that i'm fine all the time. But i'm not. LITERALLY nothing is going right. 

                          

A man can vow and say he will be by your side and care for you and love you with every last breath in his body but that is not always true. You can't change people's minds. Only God can work through you to make a person change for the better. What force is greater than God? Nothing can compare. I've learnt that i don't need company to make myself happy. Just a simple stroll. Just some time in the Word of God. 

Who goes to a movie theater and sits by themself and watches the movie? Me.. Who entertains themself? Me.. Who is trying her best to motivate herself to reach her goals? Me. I am not the product of anyone on earth. I am highly favored and Blessed. My season is yet to come..... 

One Step At A Time

Where do we find love? 



Love isn't something bought, stolen or borrowed. It's either you have it or not. Sometimes we think that we have to find love when the fact is we have to let love find us. Taking your time to fall in love with someone is better than getting in a relationship and then trying to sort out the pieces. 

Some people waste time trying to be the best they can be and put out their all for a relationship when they should be focusing on friendship. A friend is someone you can trust, confide in, turn to for comfort, show love without it being awkward and so much more. So why not fall for a friend or best friend than a total stranger? If you have issues making friends, then a relationship is not for you. That's that. 

Its good to explore. Try a new approach. If you are used to having $500 dates, then try a date where you spend only $50 or even no money. Just a walk in the park or a face-to-face conversation. There is no harm in getting to know a person for their personality instead of their wallet. A real genuine person will prefer something abstract which can be memorable than something that can be devoured or thrown away. 

The key lies in the hands of the one who can take their time to learn how to love you instead of trying to convince you that they already do..

Heart Beats Fast

Mystery.. Just mystery.. 

How can she explain how she feels if she is afraid to fall? There is only one heart filled with the love of a thousand but she chooses to give it to one. That special one. How can she be sure?

Time. Waiting doesn't mean hiding. It means patience will teach you how to love over a period of time and not just now for now. You have to be able to love with all of you. Just as John Legend says in his song. You have to have that one person who you would call at 3 am just to be the first person they talk to ... 

Breaths. If you cannot find the words to say just breathe. If he already knows then he is smart enough to read your lips, facial expression and your energy. Taking time to be silent during cute convos are quite natural. It also gives you time to stare at his wonderfully made face. 

Dreams.  What we do when we can't act out our emotions. We can imagine all the good things that we want to happen and make it happen later. Never rush, never worry. All good things will come, you just have to keep the dream alive. 

The Tides

Ever feel as though your life depends on how you feel? Sometimes i make really bad decisions which i have to deal with after and most of the times innocent people get hurt. How do you let down someone easily without breaking their heart? Everybody expects me to be the "perfect one" but how can i pull it off? 

Trying to hide my emotions is the worst thing ever. I'm boiling over right now. I don't know whether to feel sad or to completely withdraw myself from everyone who may be a potential harm to my relationship. What do i do next? What do i have to lose? All these questions all left unanswered. Jesus, I need You!

It almost like every time i get in a relationship, after 3 months, things just spin out of proportion. I am breaking this chain. I will stay committed and i will be the best i can be until God says otherwise. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Patience is what God wants me to exercise. I just need to sit back, breathe and be close to Jesus who will work all things out for my good...