Sir, Yes Sir!

As I ran the obstacle course, I put my all into it. My heart raced. The adrenaline had just become enough to drive me to do better than the rest. I climbed the rope swiftly, a little nudge from the instructor made me reach as far as I did. I dropped to the ground with a smirk on my face. 
"Model it out, Next!" Captain said. 
I know I was being ridiculed as a woman but I didn't care. I felt the thrill. I loved every moment of it. It didn't appear to me as a task. It was a passion. 
I woke 1 am just because the excitement felt so real. The air was cold and my breath was heavy. It made me realize how much I'm holding back. That was my sign to go forward and stop being a coward and wondering when is it all gonna fall into place. I gotta reach out and grab it if I really want it. I don't know what made me walk in that yard that day. I just did. And I don't regret it. 

We Guess

Nobody said it has to be a perfect life with perfectly cut out individuals. Nobody said it had to be all glittery fantasies for females and sweat dripping victory for males. All we really do out here is hope and guess. 

I've been thinking about enjoying my own company and I wanna get back into the habit of going out alone. Treating myself to the things of this life that are enjoyable without the need of a person being there close to you and holding your hands. But there always comes that time... Where it creeps in.. the loneliness. The desire to have someone to put their arms around you and call you theirs. The warmth of their breath against your cheek. 

Maybe my fantasies are totally different from other people's but at least I have some kind of escape.. If I had to sit all day and just experience the real life, I would definitely go insane. I just want someone to take me as I am. The real me. I wanna live and stop existing! 

Day Dreams

There is a guy... oh there is a guy. "Doc, I think I may be sick.. Can you check me out?" 


Ridiculous much? That's me not caring how I sound being all girly and screaming internally every time I see his face. He is so handsome with the best smile ever. He is gentle and kind and speaks with such confidence to all his patients. I woke up from a nap to find myself in a daze because the feeling was so real. I think I was about to make my move when it all ended. Bam. A mosquito flew up my nose and I woke up by force. 

A girl can daydream at a nice guy... It doesn't always have to lead to somewhere but you always need that eye candy to go through that perfect stormy day. I don't know if he notices how I stare at him like he is a piece of cheesecake. Damn..

Just the thought of it has me falling.. Or does he remind me of someone from my past? Stay tuned.

Tears

As they roll down my warm cheek, I remember the times when I didn't have the burdens of adulthood to worry about. I don't know what's worse, working two jobs and balancing school or trying to make a life outside of this shell. It almost seems as thought there is a web holding me back and I'm the poor miserable fly looking for a way out. It doesn't matter how I feel. All I know is that I have to make it in this life. 

People who I thought was there for me isn't. I open up to people and they just move on with their life. I think people are starting to become even more selfish than before.I'm exhausted. I'm worn out... I'm overworked and underpaid. I can't seem to be happy no matter what I do. But this is just a temporary situation and I know that. The hardest part is faking a smile to show everyone that it's all ok when its not. 

I'm doing this career as though I'm a robot. I feel as though my life and joy is being sucked out of my body. I just need an escape. I plan to be the best at everything I do so making a change in careers isn't gonna put me down. Sometimes we go through our whole lives doing what is expected and not what the heart really wants. These tears will not fall in vain... 

Not Another Teen Movie (My Edition)

So the "feels" is real. I don't ever get butterflies when I see or speak to a person but I got them today. I don't know where this is gonna go this time around but I am so fascinated to see. It's not gonna hurt because I'm not gonna let it reach that place. I am in control this time. I am controlling my emotions, my feelings, my attitude. I just wanna grow personally. 

I asked him out on a date to go see a movie. He said yes. *Girly squeals* I know I'm a little too grown to be reacting like a spoilt teenager who has her first crush on a hot guy but I can't help it. I don't really feel a lot, so when I do, it comes like a tsunami. I'm gonna be excited all week. I have something to look forward to. And it's not gonna suck. I am confident. Heart beats fast, colors and promises.. I could think of lyrics to a lot of love songs right now. I have longed for a second chance cuz I was the one who messed up. Now that I'm finally getting that, there is no way on earth I'm gonna let that go...

Catching My Breath

I thought I would be done with college by now but oh well.. I guess this is fine... Waiting around, asking God for some kind of miracle. I don't even wanna stay in this career path right now.. With life throwing its best at me I am trying to work two jobs and maintain a certain level of sanity within. I can't stop striving for success

Personal Life:

This is gonna be interesting. The guy who I've been interested in for a while finally gave me attention but how long was that? 10 minutes? I am not falling for that anymore. It is time to put aside childish desires and start to live in preparation for the future. Attention;  I'm getting that and I didn't even had to ask for it. Who knows sickness can bring people together who never even met before. I can't wait to see where this goes. 

To be Loved

Look at the way she looks at him... Look at her happiness. It's fan fiction in my head because they are not really in a relationship but seeing this pic makes me so happy. 

I am not the kinda woman to be loved out of fantasy. You gotta know I am real. The realest as they come. The things I would do for you I wouldn't even do for blood sometimes. To be taken for granted all the time is the worst feeling ever. I will not bow down to anyone except God. I set my standards pretty damn high and will not allow anyone to come and shoot me down. 

My life isn't glittery and princess-y. I am working on me. I constantly evaluate my behavior, thoughts and emotions to make myself a better person. But when you get into the real world and have been double-crossed, taken for granted, used, hated for no reason and pushed over, you become the most hardest person to deal with. If you can't love me for who I really am, then you have to try and love me for who I've become... 

I Did A Bad Thing

I did not commit murder but it sure as hell feels like it. I don't like being in this situation. Wondering what is for me, what works and what does not. Why place yourself in a situation and you have to crawl and claw your way back out to safety? 

I feel like I've been down this road continuously and it just isn't making any sense. I get this feeling like I'm done... Done with everybody and their tensions and their pressures to be more than I can be. Sometimes you have all you asked for and still you're not happy. 

Judge me or not, I'll always hang on to my faith. The God I serve does not make mistakes. He allows situations to occur to make us stronger and braver. You can fall a thousand times and He will always pick you up. It just takes time before one can truly be happy....

Confessions

I rushed to the hospital when I heard the news. 
My heart throbbed as though I took a million heart stimulants for breakfast. I searched the entire ward with my eyes, looking for that familiar face. When I heard the voice, I followed it until I met him slung up with braces on his body. His spine looked as though it had been ripped out of his back. 

Just the sight made my stomach hurt. I went and asked what had happened. The reason was so unlike him. It didn't make any sense. I promised him I would care for him until he got better. I promised him I was not giving up on him.. I held on to his hand like I was holding it for the very last time. After that I woke up crying. Tears flowing down the side of my cheeks and soaking my pillow. My heart still racing as though the dream had become real. My heart ached. For days I was distraught. I couldn't stop but think about it. I still remember it like yesterday. 

The dreams keep coming. They feel like nightmares but then I realized, they are not. They are all my bottled feelings that have been unresolved and lost in the abyss. I thought by now I should be happy but like it's a painful thing to let go of what never got a fair chance...

Deeply, Madly

Besides regretting choosing a long tiring career path, I think things are going well. I don't need to wonder what is going to take place in my life for the future. I already know that it is gonna be good. I place my trust in God who is always there, never leaves, never gets off His throne, never lies and never allows me to be put to shame. I don't have much questions about who I'm seeing because it's being revealed day by day. 

Maybe things didn't work out in the past because I had to end up at this point in my life where I can say to someone else, "I understand what you're going through." When you finally found something that is great, fun and comfortable you never have to search for another. There is no crap like 'Jinx'. I can speak positively because I know everything is true. It's real. If it wasn't then why would I still be here in this position making a fool of myself? All is left to say is, I can't wait to explore your heart. 

How Do You Know?

Sometimes it is very hard to differentiate between being so head over heels and being comfortable. Maybe it's good to have a little bit of both. It sucks when you have to push aside all the past times aside and focus on the times now, especially when some good ole memories are lost in the midst. But I know it's all for the best. 

I don't feel as though I have reached my optimum level. I feel like there is still a long way to go again. I'm thinking of not only pursuing another career but also trying to adjust to my new relationship. There are certain things that I am not accustomed to but will take time to get used to. Nobody jumps straight out of the womb prepared. You have to give yourself time to feel out situations and determine what works for you and what does not. 

I've found a whole new happiness unexpectedly and it is so fun. I have wasted a lot of time on the wrong people doing the wrong things and have not even thought about what was there all along. I'm not blinded still though. That part of my life is long gone. I'm stepping out in faith with a clearer vision of who I want to be and where I want to go. Who says you cant have it all? 

Love Letter to Me

Sometimes life gives you rough harsh memories but it's not to punish you, it's to teach you how strong a woman you can be. You are daring, brave, bold, wonderful, created by God with a purpose and a plan towards your life. You have talent, skills and knowledge that can allow you to reach far in life. 

This is not a boastful message. It's a love letter to myself. I've always read other people's love letter to me, but never took the chance to appreciate all that I can do. I'm not the best at everything but I know I can do my best at most things. Love isn't hard to find. You just have to stop looking. Keep praying even though the storms are at their worst. Keep hoping even though it seems as though all hope is lost. Don't ever look back to wonder, what if that could have worked out? Forward ever, backward never. 

So go on girl, stay motivated. Keep trusting in Jesus. Believe in miracles and always be fashionable. xoxoxo

A Man Who Leads

It's nothing like chase me... It's nothing like if you want me come get me... It's more like, reach out and take the opportunity that God has left wide open for you. I don't think I wanna keep searching for something that is right in front of me. When you have something good don't let it go. 

The best parts to life is when you can sit back and say: "I know he has my heart already," without any formality. I have never been happier by not even giving up anything. Same page, same story, different books. It doesn't take a lot of words to say this is it. One last guy.. 

                                                   

What is Happening?

Sometimes the silence allows me to hear my own breaths. Sometimes the space allows me to travel without moving. Its weird how people show you affection. One minute they're all for you and before you know it, you're blocked and deleted from Facebook. 

It's crazy how people switch in minutes.. seconds... Have I been that way all the time? Locking people off and shutting people out? It's like looking into a mirror. This guy has no idea how much I see me in him. But get blocked once, that's something you can work on, but get blocked a second time? That's just a joy ride in an amusement park of shame. 

No matter how rocky my relationship was with some of my male friends I will never turn my back on them. For instance my cop friend... If anyone touches him to hurt him in any kind of way I will be on them like ants on sugar cubes. I care for him deeply... not so much romantically but more as a person that was once close to me. 

I'm not ungrateful. I give honor where honor is due. Some people are better off by themselves and some people thrive under lots of attention and care. The funny part about it is, I've been here before.. I've walked this road. I was the one throwing tantrums and acting like a spoiled brat. Now I'm receiving this kind of behavior. I guess it's my wake up call. Be nicer to people who don't even deserve it. Open your eyes girl... 

Hung up

Why can't you just leave me alone? You're always there..If not in my head, in front of me. I feel as though you never left. I hate to admit it but I miss you. You were this big part of me and now you're nothing. I just have to guess. 

Sometimes I just wanna scream! Why did I mess up so bad? How does someone hang onto you for so long? I was supposed to be savage this year. I was supposed to leave everything we had in 2016. And you're here now and it's like a huge pill I can't swallow. I just have to let go and let God take control of this whole situation. The one that I really want I can't be with because of our differences. It's too drastic to accept. Confirmation was made. The fact of the matter was accepted.

So here I am. Willing to go down the road again of taking steps on my own. 

The Story

Ever had your heart ripped out with a short story? Ever feel as though you went back in time and watched the story actually take place? Maybe it's my anxiety but I know for sure that this was not appropriate. You can tell your guy friend that or even a friend who is a girl. How would you feel if I started telling you a story about some other guy and how we used to be and the stuff we used to do. Makes me feel you want that person? 

Somehow, everyone always show me eventually why I chose to go down the road I'm on. What else is there to hold on to? Guys always find the dumbest things to say at the worst times. I don't even know anymore. You can give your all and still be let down and by what? One story. 

Another Victim

So I know him for a while now. It's been years. I should be willing to fall into his arms right away without questioning it but words are very important. That's why you must choose it wisely. 

"Family is very important to me, but I'll make time for you". What does that tell you? You're going to give up a chance of love to please your family? Everyone else is basically building a future of their own. Everyone in your family is getting married and having babies. This is the same reason people go off on a murdering spree and kill people for messing with their feelings and emotions. Good thing I'm one of the good ones. 

I don't think I'm mental. I think I'm logical. Time is something you cannot get back ever. If you want to waste your own time partying, being everywhere with everyone then go right ahead. I'm going to be sipping my glass of wine at the top of the staircase waiting for you to say something stupid again. #TEAMSAVAGE