Negative Aura

How do you respond to your own flesh and blood condemning your relationship? The Lord knows how bad it hurts especially when things are working out for her. She expects people to live up to her expectations as if she is in the relationship with this person. 

I am sure i am awake and not sleeping through life. I know where i stand with people especially my boyfriend. Why would i take advice from people who have no legit excuse of why i shouldn't be with someone. 

Lord i ask that you guide me through this rough patch because i do not know what is happening on the outside. People are supposed to be helping you and allowing God to work in your life but it seems as though people are making themselves God. You cannot determine anyone's future. You cannot prevent anybody from getting hurt even if it's a word of encouragement because if Jesus wants that to happen to be a lesson to the person, it is inevitable. Who are you to declare yourself high and mighty just because you are in a progressing relationship. 

My words are: THE DEVIL IS A LIAR. What Jesus wants to happen, it shall come to pass. I am careful of what I do and how i do it now. I am a work in progress because the Lord isn't finished with molding me how he wants me to be. I just need the negativity to go away or stay away from me because I am a child of God and I'm too old for this. 

Psalms 23:5  "Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over."

                                  

Lord, I Thank you

Sometimes, you just gotta stop what you're doing and say thank you Jesus!

I've gotten so far from where i started since i joined my new church. I have a great joy in where i stand right now. I feel as if  i'm a balloon floating in the air. Even though the rainy stormy days may come, i will keep my peace and be still because i know i'm a child of the King. 

Working up the courage to tell someone something u have been holding back for so long is fulfilling. I never expected this response. I believe that something great is gonna happen and i already receive it. I just want to be the best i can be so that when the time comes for judgement, my name will be in the book of life. The Lord has a plan and i believe that he will seal all his people and protect them from the worst. 

A prophet of the Jesus spoke to me today and told me there is a tsunami coming. He said he got more than one visions. It opened my eyes to make sure my heart is pure and of good nature so i will bow down before the Lord in Heaven one day. It could be tomorrow or next year, all i know is i can say for myself, I belong to Jesus and I will see the gates of Heaven. 

                                       

Dreams...Coming to Life

Who needs to flirt when you can romance?

Its just a statement that came to my mind. It made me realize how Blessed I am. I am grateful for all that i have and all that the Lord is doing now. He is really working things out. I got that dance partner, friend, business partner and much more. At least we can teach each other a few things. 

I've learned that the Lord doesn't always give you what you want. He gives you what you need. I never expected my life to be in this order but that's the amazement of the love of the Lord. I do not question anymore. I receive and pray that everything will turn around. I just feel like i can breathe again. There is a new atmosphere and a new vibe. A new memory and a new hope. I am ready to see where this goes. Good or bad days, I'm not gonna stop praising. 

                   
                                   

A Brighter Day

Who says you have to be sad and show your depression and wonder on the outside? Who says you have to keep the memories of the hurtful past in your pocket?

I decided that I am not gonna stand another day of pretending to be okay when everything about that person serves as a walk down memory lane. I don't wanna feel the same things i felt before or think about things that are way far fetched. I am just enjoying life to the fullest. Pushing myself to do more, laughing harder, giggling like a teenager with a crush and lifting my feet when i walk instead of studying my problems. 

People who really have your back will never throw anything back at your face and i can say that i have people like that. People who i can tell almost anything and they will put aside their childish remarks just to make me feel better. I don't think that i want a relationship just yet. I need to learn to enjoy friendship. I can't look at every opportunity for love as a door waiting to be closed in my face. I know that there is time and God's timing is perfect. 

These times really make me just sit back, feeling pleased and emotional. Because when people understand you and respect you, it's way better than have someone lie to your face and say "I love you".... 
  
                            

The Sound of Heartbreak

Never put all your trust in man because you will end up hurt. You can defend people, fight for them, support them and they still have the audacity to leave you for the kill. After all your compassion, sweat, tears and patience, you still find it in your heart to forgive and love. 

She didn't want the perfect relationship. She didn't want a fairytale ending. She was willing to prove to the people who doubted that people can change, but you showed her all the reasons why she shouldn't. It's better you broke her heart now than years down the road where she becomes a mess and not even she can help herself. 

She prays for him still even though he might not even think about her. She felt a part of her disgusted and betrayed but God will always heal a broken heart and help you pick up the pieces. She holds on to the hope that she will find herself a husband... not just a man to walk in and out of her life. She is tired of the short term nonsense. She just wants somebody so passionate about Christ that she could look at him and say wow! You're doing the right thing. She doesn't wanna keep babysitting someone and urging them to pick up their bible and read the Word of God. It should be the first and last thing they do for the day. 

She doesn't want a person to lean on, because Jesus already holds that place. He knows her thoughts before she even opens her mouth. She is trusting in Him to intervene in her life and his perfect timing never fails... 
                                           
                                                   
                                            

These Moments

I waited and prayed, repeated and trusted in the Lord and this is where i am. The state of bliss. God, Bravery and a Great Relationship. 

I realized that i gave up too fast. I held on this roller coaster although i didn't know where it would take me. I believed and trusted that God is working in my life and i found a great friend and love in the midst. I still believe that i have to use my discernment when making decisions in this road, but that doesn't mean i have to walk on eggshells. I'm gonna be happy because i choose it.

Negative vibes are all about. People keep digging up the past and holding back the future from happening but i'm gonna keep my peace and promise to myself and to my sweetheart. Who knows what else can happen in this wonderful experience? 

Endure: Standing Strong

Somehow, I always end up getting my feelings hurt while trying to help someone... but this time, i feel i just don't care. I have to do what the Lord wants me to do. 

How can a person be so heartless to judge someone based on their past life? I may look past the mistakes and the problems that was done and faced a long time ago but some people lack the knowledge and confidence of the future and what God can do.. I forgive all those who have said hurtful things to me to the point where all i can do is cry. I have one thing to say though... I will be holding my friend's hand when he changes his life for Christ for good. I am confident that it will happen. 

I don't expect a relationship out of this friendship. I just like being there for you because you have been hurting so long and so much and have never gotten the kind of encouragement that a Christian can give you. While the world loses their minds, i will keep mine and stand with you. I'm not giving up because fate has brought me to you... to inspire and motivate you to become the great you can be in the Lord. 

Fear is what held me back all these years and that is the reason i keep distancing myself every time i get close to someone who cares for me. I think this just the beginning. I am standing firm in my faith and with the authority and belief in my God. 

The Past Shadows the Future

How did we go from strangers to such close friends? I don't think I would have given into your words if you didn't tell me your entire past. But it seems like its too much for others to bear. I can't hold your past against you. I know you want the support and encouragement to change but i realized that i may not be able to do that for you. I would be a hypocrite if i gave up on you... I'm just praying for the courage and bravery. 

I've always ran from the things that frightened me but i don't wanna run again. This situation isn't going to get better. It's going to only get worse. How do i break this news to you when i cant even accept this myself. They're warning me to stay away but it just makes it harder. If i turn my back on you then i would be a quitter and it would make me lack faith whenever i face difficult situations. What is a good guy? 

You've learnt, you've laid low, you've shown interest in God. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a soul for the Kingdom of God. I wouldn't be helpful... i would just be another brick in the wall. How do i turn this around? Show people that the past doesn't define a person. Why can i let go of the past so easily but others make it a big deal. I'm sure there have been drug dealers, prisoners and cocaine addicts who have found the Lord and changed their life and minister to people every day. Christians may possess all the qualities of a good man but lack all of a good companion. Should i let go?

                     

...And you love the game

There is this intern in the hospital where i train. He is so out there.. Flirtatious, tall, handsome.. He draws the nurses and students attention with his warm personality and dazzling smile. He asked for my number on the first day of the ward. I gave him. I thought it would be nice to make a friend.. 

So, turns out he tries stuff with most people and i just happened to be an easy target because of my curiousity. Well, i'll just say that he just entered a game board. I like the players and he likes the game.. I could have a good long laugh about this but i'll control it for now. He is too much fun to mess with. He thinks i'm head over heels for him but there is no lovebug here. Sometimes i wonder if he is serious or just plain silly.

His questions are obvious... he wants a chic by his side but doesn't bring all the questions at once. He observes and hints and even tries to teach you things.. His behavior is sneaky. His smile hides a lot..His mind is uneasy.. 

My colleagues and i decided we are going to milk this situation. Ask him questions, set up scenarios and even flirt back for the fun of it. He knows exactly what he is doing up at 1 am.. I may have an idea too but i wont tell. I'll have to try my best though not to end up in this web of fantasies in the pursuit to interrogate this dude.... 

50 Shades - The Male Nurse..Fantasy #2

His presence was noted at the point of entering the ward. I put my bag in the staff room and got myself ready for work. After the handing over on the female side of the surgical ward, we went to the male side. He grabbed a pile of folders and dragged the side desk closer to us. I listened to everything he said and took the words as they came out of his mouth.

He finished the hand over and I walked to the last cubicle. "Can you help me with a bed bath?" he asked.
I said, "Sure."
His smile indicated that he was pleased with my response so we did the bed bath together. It was nice... timid... quick. After that, I followed him to see if i could learn some things from him. I saw a foot dressing, which i assisted in. He disappeared after that. At the time of vitals, I sat by the desk next to him charting information. Somehow, the topic reached from which year i was in to 50 shades of grey. He laughed at my little comments heartily.

He gave a patient a placebo, which made me laugh and feel amused. It was the first time i saw that being given on the ward. While we spoke his eyes were fixed on me. I could feel it. I tried not to look at him to look like a lioness with meat in front of her. He called me to learn about meds. It was he and I alone until my rowdy colleague joined us. She shows her true colors when her best friend isn't around. She made it very clear to a doctor that i am not her friend. I am just an associate. I really had no problem with that considering how lunatic she can behave. But being real, she is not a nice person. She is brutally insultive and over confident that she can do everything. While we we learning how to mix and pull up meds, i felt intimidated because she was right up in my face trying to take the position of the male nurse.

After that, brain studied and processed this new side i'm seeing of my colleague. I quizzed myself for a logical explaination but i just couldn't find any. She was just a bitch. I don't know if it surfaced, but while we were dispensing the meds to the patients, he asked me if i was ok silently. I nodded, said i was fine but he didn't take that for an answer. He asked me if the girl was my friend i said no. Just a colleague because that is what she said. He told me its sad but i disagreed. I showed him the tough shell that was built around my emotions. 

It's like he read every action, every emotion, like he looked into me and saw that i was not ok. He showed too much concern than he should be. I just kept it together for the sake of my dignity. His voice is warm. I know now i can't let things bother me while i'm around him. He'll definitely see or detect it. His shift ended at 1 pm and mine at 3 pm. I told him i run away from the ward at times and i did. He signalled to me that it was time to go and that he wanted me to come along. I walked downstairs with him. He offered me a ride which i accepted once it was ok with him.

On the way home, we talked, laughed, recollected. I knew i was going to see him again. I said goodbye and left his vehicle. The smile was painted on my face til i was halfway home. It all seems like a fantasy to me but the truth is... It was real.

Dare to Date

A guy who usually comes in the store who became my friend asked me to go for ice-cream. I don't know how to feel considering I don't experience this thing people call feelings.. I haven't given a definite answer as yet but i'm just avoiding the conversation. If he happens to ask me if i'm going, i'll just say yes and take a chance.

I feel like i'm getting attached to someone though... not the guy who asked me out. I wanna shake these feelings badly but all i can do is try to push it out of my mind. It's like this huge elephant in the room that i'm trying to hide with a sheet of paper. I get flushed when his name is brought up, i ignore everyone else when he is talking to me, i give him little gifts because he is going through a tough time...I don't know what this is supposed to be.

At some point i'll have to fall in love but i don't know if i'm being dilusional. I'll just have to take my time, take a few steps and see where things go. So yes, i may go on this "date" but i believe that this person will be running through my mind a lot like he already does. I really hope this silly crush goes away....

Lunch Date - Fantasy #1

He walked up behind me as I was packing the shelf and whispered without drawing attention. "Come with me," he said. I followed. I trusted him.

He opened the door to the stairway and shut it when I walked in. His voice was soft... If he talked louder it would echo against the walls and the supervisor would hear us.
"I've thought about something," his lips were delicate in forming every word.
"What is it?", I was just about to let my mind stray and take control.
"I have a friend... She is really nice. I think I like her."
"A  potential wife?", I knew he understood what I was talking about.
"Well, it's more complicated than that."

At this point in time, I didn't know what to think. He held my hand and invited me for lunch at his place the next day.

After anticipating what to wear, I put on a plain black t-shirt with a skinny jeans and went to his place. He answered the door with a smile on his face, giggling at the message I sent him when I was outside. He invited me in and told me to sit on the sofa. I sat and my eyes followed where he went. He pulled a dish out of the oven and placed it on the counter. He cut the pie and put two pieces on two plates and walked towards me.

"I hope you enjoy it. I made it from scratch - Jamaican style pie," his eyes glistened with the mild indoor light that hung above his head.
I tasted it. It was delicious. He really knew how to cook and wasn't just bragging about his homestyle dishes. I applauded him and his face lit up. After eating I demanded to help with the dishes, which I did. We then sat on the sofa together.

I asked him about the girl he spoke of the day before but he didn't say much. He just told me that in time to come i'll find out who it is. I agreed. I looked at him and turned away and he came closer to me. Our eyes met and he said, "It's you. I dreamt you. I can't stop dreaming you. Ever since I met you... I am who I am and i'm not going to change. But you make me want to."
I was surprised. "Me? But wh-".
It was all I got to say because he reached for my face and kissed me. I felt a bolt of electricity run through my entire body. I breathed heavily. His eyes never left my face. I could tell there and then that everything he said, he meant it.

Everything else went back to normal the next day at work. I thought about him even more and the rest was left undecided..............

The Fantasies of a Misfit

I don't consider my life complicated or conflicted. I consider it really awesome because of the multiple fantasies i create and act out in my head.

 

I see couples on a daily basis holding hands, hugging, kissing, being there for each other and i'm like 'get a room already'. I say that not because i'm bitter, it's because i dont wanna see something that will make me realize that i'm single. I like being single but at times i wish i could hold someone's hand and hug them. Am i asking for too much? I don't think so.

 

I just pushed away my potential sweetheart... Doesn't feel all that peachy but maybe i'm being less selfish this way. I rather him see all that is out there than me just boring him with my simple pathetic life. I don't have a problem with my life though.. I think it's just fine. I just wonder what is there to look forward to.

 

So i decide i'll create my story. The perfect love story. Day by day i'll gather the pieces and when it sounds good enough to be a novel i'll pray that it comes alive.

 

 

 

 

Screw You and Your Perfect Life

Nothing says i dont give a shit like "Don't even bother to come to my wedding". But you know what, i'm not hurt, i'm really relieved. I can just ease back now and relax. No responsibility, no drama, no expense.

I never thought i'd be this straight forward before. I thought i'd pretend for the sake of other people's happiness but i dont know how to be anything but real anymore especially in this world filled with people who are waiting for you to step down to walk all over you. If they're not involving in my personal life, they're judging my actions. And for what? Self-satisfaction? You think you'll feel better about your life if other people's lives has scratches and dents.


Staying home from work for 2 days doesn't mean i can hide forever. I'm just trying my best to work this out and stand down for a while. I feel like i'm chasing the paper too fast that it just isn't coming in. I should just focus on the more important things. Like having a life for once and breathing fresh air, and getting to know people who will affect my life in a great way..


So here we are again, the same old people who were good before. Talking about how life is a mess.. We're just beautifully challenged misfits.

The "Feels"

I made a new friend... Funny story is he is not a citizen of this country and in order to secure his citizenship he needs to apply for it or get married. The deadline for application passed so now he is at his last resort which is marriage.

I had the thought of agreeing to a business marriage but I don't think its the best idea for me. Of course it is strictly business but i am afraid that i will get too caught up in the actually title of being "married" and then get all emotional.
I really want to help though, in the search of a business wife candidate.

I'm sitting here typing this wondering: "Is this linked to my weird dream of me being in a white dress?" Oh well, for all i know this could be coincidental. I really think it's cute that we became friends. I just hope that he gets his citizenship and start his life in the place where he wants to be..

Forget ME and My Dumb Feelings

So i came up with this great idea to make our lives easier at home by inviting a friend to assist in paying the rent while helping him to get a hold of his future career but it appears to me like the selfishness of a "so called Christian" is overbearing.

I've been hurt by the wrong accusations so much to the point where i could have a meltdown and to add, i already told my friend he is welcomed to come. How am i to turn down my best friend for the sake of one person with a stupid uneducated, unrevised, unconcerned opinion. She has major trust issues and people problems. How can you express your love for the Lord if you have problems with the people around you. Your own cousin you call all sorts of bad names and expect your crown in Heaven to be pre-polished?

I just feel like there is no pleasing everyone. There is just me trying to climb this mountain and the Lord is holding my hand as i keep my head up from letting the tears hit the ground. I am starting to become distant... i just wanna escape. My best friend and i are not on any games. We aren't putting on an act to be together or to secretly live together. One day we will rise to the top and we will prove all the doubters wrong. I'm just waiting to soak in the wide mouthed reactions to a beautiful and successful friendship........

Dream Cloud

I know i'm not supposed to be thinking about kissing this guy, but come on... he is attractive, cool, laid back and he got the nerd flick going on. Everything i described there was what i should be staying away from. But... i'm still allowed to have my fantasies once they're not rated R. I really appreciate his friendship and his time.

There is just that moment when no more words are left to say that he send an emoji and it just brightens up my face. That alone is showing interest to talk. That doesn't make him Prince Edward but it makes him somebody in my life right?

Anyways. I think my feelings are starting to re-surface which explains the late night and morning convos and insomnia. I guess i'm contented with the people that are in my life and who are entering it.

Dreams and Gowns

I found myself wearing a big white dress.. It was almost like a wedding dress, but could this be my wedding?

I didn't stop to think. I was at the bottom of the stairs to my college building. I ran breathlessly up the multiple flight of stairs, tripping over my dress and feeling anxiety and fear curling into my gut. I had no idea what i was in pursuit of but I was determined to get there.

At the top of the staircase, on the highest floor, I saw my friend's brother sitting at the table so I approached him to say a friendly hello. A voice appeared behind me. A deep masculine voice that made me spin around to be caught by his singled out words. He said, " Why waste your time talking to a little boy when you can be talking to a big man?"

My facial expression changed. I swung around to glimpse at my friend's brother but he looked unmoved. From there, it all faded. It was the first dream I remembered so well. The meaning, unknown, but I believe it's some kind of sign that will appear eventually.....

Back from Wonderland

Just a few days ago, a person from the past returned to me. Not in spirit but in actual flesh. This guy shows so much interest in me but what should i say to him? Am i supposed to run back into his arms and say all is forgiven?

I did forgive him because his apology was so logical and sincere but that does not mean that all is peachy. Honestly, he had a part of me that nobody else could find but he let it slip away so now he has to regain it. Time, effort, love and patience will bring that back but i know how some guys are; determined to a point of tolerance.

What do i want?


Friendship. I believe through friendship, one can achieve love. If i didnt agree to speak or have any relations with this person again, he wouldn't be my friend and he wouldn't get opportunities to impress me.

I've got too many things going on in my life to make room for disappointent, hurt, resentment and heartache. I need to be real with people. I can't give you the attention you deserve. I can only be a friend and hold your hand from a distance. The Lord is my strength and i know someday my emotions will flow back to me at the right time. ..........