This is me

All this time i was stuck in my little daydream, thinking that i need to be with someone to truly be happy. Then i tried dancing by myself, singing by myself and being in a relationship with Christ. Then i realized that i can be happy by doing the things i love. I don't need someone to hold my hand right throughout my entire life.

It was only today that i played this game: "Just Dance Now" by myself and i had fun. Was totally burnt out afterwards and had a smile on my face. It was fun and i didn't need another person to play with me to make it fun.

Besides the games and the singing, my recently found friend admitted to me that he would like to be in a relationship with me. I explained my whole concept to him and he understood and he told me he is willing to wait on my timing. But is he for real? Just a few days back he hit on my friend and she is totally head over heels for him. I'm not the kind of person to get involved with somebody who i know held the interest of my friend. No way... It's not that i rather lose a guy over a girlfriend, it's just that i have to upkeep my image as a Christian and follow what the Lord will want for me.

I can never find myself falling for a guy whose mind run on all other things but Jesus. I guess i'm gonna go down that long and narrow path and i'll have a pretty darn good time doing it....

The Secret

So, whatever happened today was out of sworn secrecy and i still haven't gotten over it. I wish there was some way that i could release this guilt but i can only ask God for forgiveness.

It's not like a dramatic thing, its more of a 'i knew this was going to happen' kinda thing. I won't blame it on being human, ill just learn from the situation.
Secrets are so tricky..If you tell someone you have to worry about them spilling it and if you keep it to yourself, it will bother you often. But this is one secret i won't let get to me. Ill put it to the back of my mind and move on.

Secrets are just a part of growing up as well. It's up to you to decide what you are going to allow be a secret or not.

High and Low

So I thought somehow my life would take a major turn around and it did. It flew, it crashed and now i'm out of my little bubble and my eyes are open to so many new things.

After being forgotten, lied to and embarassed, i finally got over that person and started something new. It didn't last though because of the differences in views and opinions but that only made me realize that i need to do something different. How can you live a life for the Lord and then have dealings with people who share another view of God?

I just need to be on the same page with someone for once. Because it seems like i take too many chances and it always comes back to bite me in the end. This is probably attempt number 100 but i have no shame in admitting that i am human and its ok to make mistakes. Where you go wrong is continuously repeating those mistakes.. So we learn , we live and we love... But we always wonder where it will lead....

Being Real

It takes a lot to understand everything about human behavior and i believe one of the main reasons believers fail is because of their lack of concern for non-believers. Why should we watch someone who is struggling out there and pass them straight when all they may want is someone to talk to?

Who are we to say we have reached our limit. If Christ used to think like that we would never have gotten this far. We would be dead by now,sadly. I don't think we lack compassion; i think we lack knowledge. If people from my church see the kind of company i hand with at times they would say that i have strayed from God and that i should leave those people. But they may need me even if it's just an ear to listen. I would say i hold a high level of respect among these kinds of people. Reason being, i fit in, not to conform but rather to try to rationalize the way non-believers think. 

How can you build yourself as a Christian? 

Keep an open mind. Don't compromise but don't judge. 
Practice patience with non-believers. They may question a lot of things of the bible and God and even doubt the scriptures but we as believers cannot argue with them. We have to let it go and let things fall in place. 

This is what makes me different from other believers. I like to talk to all kinds of people. ... 

"We need to talk"

That feeling in your gut, that leaves a bad taste in your mouth.. Makes you sick.. I'm still alive but i'm barely breathing.. That's how you explain it.

I let my guard down, let you in and you shut me out. You're really sick, i understand that but i want to be there for you. This is the ultimate test and i believe that i can pass it. I don't want you to go through this alone. I really need you, more than i ever thought it would.

There is just so much that i want to tell you but you won't let me. My heart breaks every night because i'm not a part of your world anymore. I'm just the stranger on the bus once more. You don't text me and i'm afraid to text you. I feel like someone just ripped out my heart and threw it under a train. I have so much to think about and you don't make it easier because you left me without a proper goodbye. My prayer for you is please, please get better again and from there you can do whatever your heart desires.

 

Whirlpool

As i do what i'm supposed to do, somehow it just seems like i'm in a whirpool between life and my love life. I really don't think now is the best time for a relationship for me and yet i'm dating. I think i'm doing a good thing though because i'm getting to experience what's out there before really going out there.

My friend who was so close to me started posting very nasty facebook statuses about girls putting guys on probation. It's only because i mentioned it he got the idea and went off about it. Its not my fault that guys these days don't know how to treat girls and make them so insecure. Girls play a lot of games with guys too but i am not one of those girls. I am not looking for trouble or to break anyone's heart. I can be really serious about a relationship but now is not the time to jump over the clouds for a guy, that's why i said my friend who i'm dating is on probation.

Getting the wrong idea is surely something bizarre. Makes you say all kinds of crazy stuff. This guy who works next door to me used to pester me so much i used to avoid him but now it's like he is so down to earth. I like him but i won't dare say the word love just yet. I don't want this to be a drive by. I wanna see where it goes. Yes i drop people just like a snap of a finger but only when i feel the need to and when it is making me feel like that person is becoming an idol in my life. Nobody is gonna come into my life and play twister with me and then leave me to untangle myself after.

So my really good friend can hate me how much for telling him about me dating my friend, i won't let his words define me. i know i'm a lot better than who he perceives me to be and i won't be discouraged. The Lord is here to guide me and look after me so i don't need someone to fill that role.

Here's a song for you my friend:

Tee Hee

Sometimes we find ourselves doing and saying weird things. I think the supervisor on work is hot. He has this very special way about him that he carries about himself in a good way and is respectful and kind. Other than him, I recently started talking to a former co-worker which is now my friend and I think he's hot too. Hotties everywhere lol.

People might say i have a weird taste but i just admire those kinds of guys. Know what they want and are determined to get it. Doesn't hurt to have some eye candy. I'm done flooded with this semester and work so i might as well find fun. I can't believe how much i'm thinking about my friend.

I got a crush. Not just a crush but a big one. Sometimes i wanna sing this song for him:

Big Moves

Well we have all tried our best and now it's time to move forward. Renting isn't so bad as i thought it would be. I feel like i'm so much more comfortable than before. A peace of mind is so much better than lots of money.

Guys can be so stupid. Three dudes in work are acting really immature just because i'm a girl and talking to them. They mistook kindness for flirtation and that is the reason why i am not talking to 2 of them. I have a lot of stuff going on right now and i dont need someone being out there making me look like a bad person. All boys can kiss it because i'm a wayy different girl from all the others.

There is this dude who says he cares but i cannot believe him as yet. He has to prove to me that it is true. He is really sweet and kind and not afraid to apologize but i cant trust him. Its just time and observance that waits.

Hanging by a thread

I'm at the point where I don't know what hurts more, my mother not being here, me feeling like i have to keep watching my own back, my father acting up or my classes driving me crazy.

It feels like i'm sinking and Jesus is there keeping me from going underneath. I don't have an expression. I just need to cry to release the pressure because it feels like a volcano. I see couples being all sweet, parents treating their children good, and i want that. I long for that. Nobody understands what i feel until they switch places with me.

Sometimes i wish i could just go to school while my parents provide financial support but i cant do that. Its all fantasies, not a reality but im coping. Because i have to be the strong one when everything breaks. I cant show weakness because thats how deer gets eaten by wolves. Things are there to comfort me but its temporary. Jesus is the only one who can make it all better. I never doubt his existence. I just need time to find myself and get in touch with Him for real. No more games and wondering and doubts.


Something random. Lecrae is the best rapper alive! aha

What is happening?

I don't really know what's going on in my life. My mother moved out, i distanced myself from my so called "boyfriend" and now i'm best buddies with my friend who i once worked with. God has a funny way of handling things, but i enjoy every moment.

My feelings are extending toward my friend and i don't think it's a good idea to let it reach far. I need to keep it calm for now because he isn't really the guy i would go for. I've thought several times about being with him and it just seems like he would have a lot of respect for me. But i won't settle for less than a true Christian so my mind's made up.

Sometimes i feel like i care for him so much more than that other person who once had a great impact on my life. I need to just be me, real, a good friend and a good Christian. That is the key to my happiness.

My Frozen just got melted

Ever feel like someone you love is in your life constantly reminding you that you cannot do something and that you're not good enough? Well i have had my dose of that and i am now moving on.

Besides the crappy manic disorder of my father just last night, i have cleared my mind and learnt to embrace even the worst situations because these are the ones that are going to make me a whole lot better. I wouldn't appreciate my super amazing friend Stephon if things were peachy. Yes i actually called a name because he is that special. Anyways, as i was saying, Stephon has held my hand through this whole thing. Whenever i chatted with him it was like falling in love without actually putting feelings out there. He makes me feel important.

No, I'm not going to fall hard and then try to turn things around. Been there, done that and it didn't turn out so well. At least i have a new job to look foward to tomorrow morning and i have never been so excited to wrap people's groceries before. I guess everybody has their preference of a job and this time i am not going to let anyone get to me. I am going to suck it up, face reality and be the damn best hardworking wrapper there is. As for my friend Stephon, i won't lie... I really wanna kiss him. ;)

Why I turned off my cellphone

I'm not being a hot head, or irrational. I'm being smart. If you want to play indirect mind games with me then i'm going to do the same. I have let you toy with my emotions right through and i have had enough.

So, all the time you said i was busy and you didn't want to stop me from being on the internet doing nothing so i let you go to bed or whatever because i didn't want to force you to speak to me. Now you're calling my phone for God knows what and i know it's going to be the same thing.

Like i said before, if you wanted to, you would. I'm going to take this time to think. What do i really want? What is it that HE really wants? You always feel you know everything. Even had the audacity to tell me i cannot control my feelings. Well i put that in its place.

There's no use talking to you and telling you whats going on with me if you're not gonna respond in a way that a human would respond. You always have some kind of reference to your supernatural abilities or your extreme power of knowing judo or "tai kwan duh", my words of course. I'm not gonna just lock you out. I will only respond to your text messages if i feel like it. Reason being: I don't want to feel like i won a prize by getting a phonecall from you. I'm all worked up and you're like bleh. So here's the deal. Work on how to pull your head out of your butt and share your feelings or be the hard ass that you are.

On the path to being a good Christian

As a Christian, we've been repeatedly and sometimes forcefully taught that in order to be in a relationship, both persons must be equally yolked or even in faith and beliefs. I understand that concept and it is such a true statement but now i'm using my knowledge to explore a whole different take of the statement.

I have this really good friend of mine, he is not a Christian and he does not really engage in spiritual activities but i encourage him from time to time. I can't shove the word down his throat so i consider it to be a gradual process which will eventually change his life. Although he is not a Christian, he is a very kind hearted, open , honest wonderful person who has that special heart. I can't picture him getting hurt because then i feel sad too.

Not every Christian marriage is perfect where the couple find each other through church and grow together. Some relationships are fixed in a way where one person needs to help the other reach up to his/her level and higher. Somehow i feel like God is speaking to me and gave me my friend and our closeness as a project to test my patience and knowledge. I am currently being there for my friend and keeping a clear mind as much as i can. I don't judge his decisions and i certainly do not judge his outcome. I have so much confidence in him and i believe that he is going to be someone great that will impact people just like him.

Senior Christians will tell us and encourage us to hang out with the right company. To turn away our bad influential friends. But i say yes and no to their message. YES, you cannot be around people who you know will harm your spiritual well being but NO you cannot abandon the ones who really need your help. Some one person can look at you and say "I want to be like him or her" and they're just looking into your eyes to see if you'll leave them alone or hold their hand. I'm not going to be baised and small minded. I'm thinking outside the box. The bible gave us the knowledge, but it is all about our interpretation and application to the Christian values in our lives that could change ourselves and the people around us.

If you wanted to, you would

You think you try, but you don't. You always say you care more but you don't. If you call me, i will make time to speak with you even if i'm on the internet. The internet isn't my life. You're part of my life.

I just have this feeling like you don't wanna talk to me. I don't mind not talking to you every hour of the day but once or twice would be lovely. Of course i can't have that because apparently i'm always busy when i'm currently unemployed sitting home doing absolutely nothing and my semester just started so no exams to study for. -_-

I gotta get a new plan, a new strategy.. I'm going to act like i'm high. Like i don't care. A little reverse psychology on you. Just because you projected a physiological state on me, you're gonna get what you really deserve. If this is how you imagined a relationship would be like then you got it. I just hope its not too much for you, cause you seem awfully busy.....hahahaha

How it is

T and  i have this weird relationship. It's like a friend to friend relation without the not kissing and not being totally in love with one another. I really appreciate the lengths he goes to make me happy and i wish there was more i could do to return the favor but once I'm confined to the shaky walls of this mad house i can just pull the curtains to see him.

We dont talk everyday, not because we don't wanna talk to each other, it's just because he is currently working and i'm not and i don't like to disturb him from doing something productive. Maybe i should lay low and let him take control a bit because i realize every time i text him or try to call him these days, he just ignores and replies way after.

If i were the picky kind of girl i would have a big problem with him not being there always but he knows exactly what i need and i can't blame him for trying to satisfy me. We all know how girls are hard to please at times so i think he's doing a pretty good job at it. On the other hand, i would like the company, the acknowledgment of my existence but i guess i can't have the cake and eat it too.

Maybe the reason i stay up til morning is because the internet gives me the attention i desire and i'm just making up for all the lost times with him. It's a temporary relief i know but it's what i have right now and what i'm willing to work with. Right now i could imagine him all cozy in his bed sleeping and waiting for the right moment to wake up and do his crazy early morning routine. And me... I'm up here watching Awkward because it's relatable.

Love for me isn't complicated, it's just concealed for now. I just hope this lack of communication does not go on forever. I'm starting to think he's hiding something and when a girl starts to think that, Lord knows what will happen...

I'll tell you even if i can't

If i could see you in person right now, i'd say these things to you:

1. Girls like their boyfriend to show them interest. So if you're up all night and don't even bother to text or call, then you're being useless.

2. Girls like to communicate with their boyfriend. If she can't talk to you at least once a day, when she is getting the attention from another guy, she'll take it and you'll get jealous.. typical..

3. You can't only be there when things go wrong.

4. You don't need this right now. You don't know but you're being self centered. You don't know how to treat a girlfriend.

Let's Fantasize

There's a girl. Actually a woman. She has made a name for herself. She fights bravely like no other. From the moment she feels threatened she guards herself but there's more...

She is in love with a prince. He holds much rank and knows a lot about fighting himself. She taught him how to control his anger and to be calm in unpleasant situations. He admires her, but is afraid to put himself foward. He doesn't want to be seen as weak. He doesn't want to let his guard down for her.

She can break those walls but it will take courage and strength, both skills she possesses. She wonders when she has the silence, "Why does he disappear into the night like a dark wolf and then reappears all of a sudden?" He always says thats what he's about but sometimes she doesn't want him to fight for her. She wants to do it herself because that's the way she always knew. Its great to have another soldier on your side but we are responsible for our own lives. One slip and the fight is over and it's not worth it.

Question is: How does she break that wall?

House, Not Home

This here, isn't what I expected living at home would be like. It makes me feel like we're strangers. My father is always rattling about some foolish things and makes it very uncomfortable for us to live here. He keeps telling us to leave and if we had somewhere to go right now we would.

Lord alone knows what his plans are but we know one thing; we're not a part of those plans. We all try our best to hold the peace but it gets very difficult when someone keeps quarelling about nothing. I don't know why he did not stay where he was and just support us financially. It was so much better all the time. Life isn't peaches and cream right now but somehow we're all holding it together for the sake of the three of us. He, can stay and rot in his house. I'm sorry for my thoughts and my harsh words but that is what he wants. That's what he's been asking for, for the last couples days and weeks.

I really need to get this job because I have no money coming in my hands at the moment. I am just holding on to the hope that I could right the wrong and get my job back. I know a lot would have regret quitting their job but i didn't regret it when i quit mine. I just learnt how to deal with everyone and everything as it comes along. Nobody understood what took place with me when i was in my position. I knew. I didn't have the outlook like i have now. With my faith, I stand strong and keep praying.

Desire Vs. Lust

These days we're not getting to see each other and it's just tearing me up inside. I have to sort my feelings and remind myself that this distance will cause my mind to stray. I have to pray real hard so that this desire to kiss you and hold you and be close to you doesn't turn into lust.

 

Which girl doesn't wanna be kissed? I mean... It's in our blood. Both men and women. I miss him a lot and I really love how things are going between us and I believe that distance doesn't weaken our love but that doesn't mean i don't wanna at least see him. We went deep into 'love' the other day. We talked about feelings, we got angry and we came to the point where we both acknowledged how great the other person is.

There are so many movies that display kissing, intense motions and actions and I could imagine he and I doing those things. I'm not interested in that part of him, I rather have an emotional connection first and leave the more intimate sections for later in the future. I love him, but I want to be with him in person too. One day I wouldn't have to wonder when i'll see him again. It'll just happen as the wind blows.

Expectations and Faith

So i'm out of a job at the moment... That doesn't mean that i'm hopeless. I have the faith that tomorrow i will get a phonecall saying to come to work again. People may say quitting my job is a big mistake but I say not at all. If thats the only way to escape a position of a robot i'll do it again.

Sure, the cash is probably running low but I'm not dead broke. When i work again, it will be a lot better. I'm just thankful for life and i know that once there is life, there is hope.

You're here

It's strange how you changed your mind about our relationship. You made me cry, you made me almost give up on you and then you came back.

I guess my plan worked. I stood my ground and was brave enough to face my tough situations without you and you're here now when everything is okay. So you proved me wrong... you're not only here when everything goes haywire. You're what i needed to be inspired to keep my dreams alive. You're not my everything though. God is and will always be.

It seems like our relationship is different and as the days go by i'm understanding it a lot better. You may not always be there, but maybe it's what i need. With my school and work and family drama going on, you appreciate my busy schedule so you take a step back. I don't mind that because i don't like people nagging me but i'll need you sometime. (All the time but i can't be selfish). All i have to say now is don't let me down. I've let you back in for a reason..

Your Love and My Care

My friend who is very close to me is so amazing. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and I really wish he'll stick around for a long while but there's one thing. His girlfriend has exams going on so he has a lot of free time now but when her exams are over he will be occupied. Its not that i'm jealous of her or anything, i'm just worried i might not be able to have that closeness with him anymore.

I wouldnt wanna be selfish because if i was in her position i would wonder why some chic would want to talk to my man every time... I just have an issue with losing people because i lost my best friend some years back. He just happened to change and go in a different direction. Maybe i'm worried that this dude will do the same but maybe he won't.

I'm also concerned about his relationship. It's none of my business but i really don't want to see him get hurt. I don't know his girlfriend personally but from what i observed, she can hurt his feelings... I can see the best in a person even though they don't give that impression so i'm praying that this works out for him. I just don't want any secrets to be kept between them because i can recall a time she brought a dude by the place she worked and where we all worked and he was right there and got sad. Seeing him happy gives me joy and i want him to continue to be happy..

What I Need

Today my friend made me realize what I need in my life. Everything is a mess now but that does not mean that determines my future.

What does my heart want?
  My heart wants someone to love me despite of my situation, someone who is willing to fight for me and won't give up easily.

What does my mind want?
  Peace. To stop worrying about everything and staying up late because thoughts are flooding my mind.

My friend is very patient with me. He understands me and knows that saying the words "I understand" does not make it better. As for the one who had and still has my heart, he still isn't showing me the interest I thought he would. He still lies in the shadows watching on as if he's not a part of my life. I think I'm going to put him on probation. When he starts showing that he really cares and not keeping saying it, then he will get that satisfaction of being called my boyfriend.

How can you expect someone to see your care when you don't even know what the term means. You've never had that caring relationship with anyone before so you'll keep acting that way. One more thing I also need: I need you to keep your distance. When you come too close it scares me because I know it wouldn't be for long. If you know you can't handle me, find someone who is easier to be with.

That voice in my head

Sometimes, we make stupid decisions that may feel good at the moment but doesn't benefit anybody. So i decided that i'm going to right the wrongs in my life. I'm starting with my old job and continuing with my recent job.

I shouldn't let work get to me so easily unless it is life threatening or unethical. I need to let certain things go and just take a chill pill. I know i've done wrong and said wrong but at least i take responsibility for my actions. That is what makes me so mature for my age.
We all fall at some point.. Why not dust yourself off?

Somewhere in the Middle

Right now i'm feeling so anxious.. I quit my job yesterday and i don't know how to feel right now.

You called me yesterday on finding out that i quit because you didn't believe it. You acted like you gave a damn and told me you love me. How can i accept that. You always show up when everything goes haywire! I don't need you to be there only then! I need you all the time. Make me feel like i'm good enough for you and not just a charity case.

I don't need your pity or your "concern". I have Jesus to turn to for those things and even he doesn't pity me. He gives me strength. No man on earth can ever do that for me. The only reason I did not reply to your texts it was not only to spite you, it was because i dont want to talk to you. You always say something that will end up making things difficult like if you know everything. You pushed me to the edge until i was about to fall and then you reached for my hand at the last minute.

My friends show me more concern than you do and that should tell you something... If you want me... REALLY WANT ME.. then prove it.

Standing My Ground

I've realized that I'm just convenient for you to run to when your little life becomes boring or just uninteresting. You're a sociopath deep within and you don't even know it. Don't ever think that I need you so bad that I'll just give into your attempts of temporary conversations.

I've decided, this is the part where it's about me. You can kiss it .. and good because there are people out there who i never would have thought would care for me but they do. The most non-Christians, the most miserable, the most troubled, put aside their own life and struggles to be there for me. Right now there is one friend who is showing me more than i could ever ask and i am not involved with him romantically. If i can feel good without having feelings for him then why not continue it and not make things awkward? Besides, he has a girlfriend and i'm no homewrecker.

I don't know what goes on in your mind and what to expect. You always seem to know how to cover your tracks. You say you care for me and you say you love me but you don't show me in the way i expect you to for a man of such great words. Take your own advice, fix yourself before you enter a relationship because apparently you don't have a clue of how to treat a girlfriend.

Wondering

You take your time to sort your thoughts out so why not sort out mine. You can wait. I've been considering some comments made by people who know me. One of them was "You deserve a whole lot better" and the other was "Do you know what you got yourself into?"

To both statements, its questionable. I've got this feeling.... a strange feeling that I need to pray about. I caught myself thinking about this dude, awkward enough he is young and shouldn't be on my mind in the first place but i can't control my thoughts. They run wild.

I need to figure out how I feel first about everything and take my time. Rushing things will make me feel complicated and confused. You taught me to take care of myself so I hope you can handle your own advice.

Priority vs. Option

Is it too much to ask to be treated like i'm important? Does it take so much from a person to acknowledge your existence? Why do i feel like the strangers around me care more than you?

I don't want to let go at all but i feel like its an option i have to consider. I am a child of The Lord and i cannot let you mess with my mind. you stopped making the effort and now you're just hanging there, using whatsapp like you don't have my phone number and saying these short lines that makes it seem like you give a damn. So why don't you just go... ? I am a big girl and I can take care of myself very well.

I'll continue to live in my fantasy and watch you give up easily on me. I hope you're having fun because the show is just about to begin.....

It's Over

I dug you for an answer and you gave it to me. It's over. It's because of my father. You couldn't handle his disrespect and I understand that. But i thought you would at least fight for me and try to get through it with me but you showed me you gave up.

 

This was our fantasy, not just mine and you said you'll live in it with me but now it's just me (and God is always there) but physically just me. I should be angry, but i'm not.

"You were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles and my daddy said stay away from Juliet"- Taylor Swift. This love story has ended, leaving my heart broken. I wish there was something i could say to make you stay but there isn't.

In my head, you're still there. Maybe you're just hurt and confused. Well at least i can create a fantasy where you will come back to me one day. I am waiting... I can't just let someone hold my heart the way you did. I don't believe it's over because i dont want it to be.

Every night I do the same thing: Wake all night until i get tired, waiting for a text or a phone call from you the way i used to get it. I cry almost everyday because i cant place this hurt on other people but rather let it out when i'm alone. This morning when i saw your text it made me cry. I pulled myself together for the sake of being strong and having hope that someday you might change your mind about me.

And who are you to tell me this wouldn't work when God is the only one who can do that?

Bittersweet

You took my heart and shattered it and handed it back to me. You said to let go and I didnt want to but you've proved to me that you don't want me around anymore.

I can't help but feel alone and empty inside. The only thing that has me going is Jesus. You made it clear enough without an explaination. How do you do that? I guess you figured out a way. I still want to hear your part but i'll wait until you have to tell me.

My heart hurts. I don't think you're gone. It feels like the door is still open and your leg is just halfway through. There is something else affecting your decision and i'm going to investigate without even saying a word. I can pretend like it's just a wind through the hair but............

What are you?

Ever since my father came back to town he wants things to go his way. He is making my life complicated. I don't know when he'll stop. He acts like his way of living is the perfect way.

Who are you to tell me about my friends and the world out there?? Have you died and came back from the afterlife to make that judgement? You insist in wrecking every little faith I have by telling me in your words what the world has to offer. You finally did it. You're tearing people away from me. You're making them feel hurt, embarassed, and even consider staying away from me. You want me to be alone.

What you don't know is that i feel his emotions. The "he" i talk about is my boyfriend that you don't know about because you strongly oppose those kinds of relationships. What am i supposed to do? I hurt, i break and fall and what if one day there isn't any support like him?

You make me sick. If this is how you're gonna treat me, then I don't wanna be here. I want an escape. Lord, just open a door for me. I dont wanna lose him..

They Judge

We are two grown people and it doesn't matter how old I get, I will always be judged by people who claim their lives are perfect inside out.

We can never be too sure about anyone. It's only if i give up on you, then you would realize i don't care about you enough to wait and see what you can do. But no, they judge. They want to say something bad about someone they don't know a thing about.

Sometimes i wish my family was a good bunch. The ones who accept things for what they are instead of shoving a heapful of "advice" down your throat everything you do something on your own. Sometimes i feel like i need an escape but i dont wanna run away. How do i cope with the bitterness of the judgements and still keep a happy face for the one who likes to see me smile?

Humans are very funny beings... They should be glad you're going for better and being happy but instead they take joy in your pain. They just want something bad to happen to come to your face and say, "I told you so."

Yeah, my life isn't crystal clear at this moment but someday i'll be able to make my decisions without hearing all these whispering behind the curtains.

Where I Stand

I don't know what "get to know me" period is this, but i'm sick of it. I can't stand not hearing from you and you act like its nothing.

You make me so mad and at the same time I love you. You think this is helping me in any way but it's not. You're just tearing me up inside. I'm gonna show you exactly how it feels. No phone calls, no texts, no replies. I might as well give you your "get to know you" space because it seems like you really need it.

Don't expect me to be ok with all your decisions. Sometimes you think of me more than yourself and sometimes you misjudge while doing that. I already told you, you do not affect me negatively and I need to hear from you. But since you disagree I guess you'll have to come find me.....

Hold on

So you got a call from work saying that you will be moving to the other branch... It hit me like a bullet. I don't think i wan't that distance between us.

What we have was built day by day and i feel like the managers and bosses don't appreciate and understand that. They decided they want you far away and you can't complain. I'm holding on to you because it's what you do when you truly love someone.

When you just broke the news you showed me you were so strong and was there for me like a good man would be for the sake of his woman but when we were apart, you broke. I wasn't there to tell you that it would be alright and that i'm here for you. But i think you know i'm here. Who else will answer your call at 4 in the morning?

Don't let this distance get between us. Lets use it as a fuel and motivation to push forward. Stay strong and keep your faith in God. This is the first time i'm saying this in my blog but boy, i'm crazy for you...

How to Deal

What do you do when you keep pushing someone away even though they show they care for you more than other things? What if you're not accustomed to being treated like a princess and when it happens, you take it for granted and then its gone.

I don't want to keep acting this way. I need to learn to get over little things instead of holding on and going to bed on a bad note. I can't see myself caring for someone else the way i care for you. I know you're rethinking everything that is going on right now but i ask that you do not rethink me.

I can fix myself and come clean. No stress, no mess, no low tolerance. I just need to show you how much i care. I can't have this silence between us or this wall that you're starting again. I helped you tear the wall down and i feel like i'm helping you rebuild it just by acting selfish and bratty.

Just because i'm young, it doesn't mean i'm not capable of being with you. It just means i have a lot to learn and i am willing to do that. Just hold on, don't let me go............

You're right here

I'm still up at past midnight and you're probably in your bed sleeping.  I just can't sleep because you're on my mind. I think about everything about you and it makes me smile. Even when you get me mad i still smile. 

Your heart connects with mine and its something special. The night before, you stayed up because you were thinking of me. Now the tables have turned and i understand what its like now. 

Its that great feeling that we can conquer the world together if we stick by one another. I miss your voice though. I need to stop holding back and be daring and bold and text you at 1 am just to tell you sweet nothings. 

I'm so glad God lead me to someone who isn't afraid to stand out. If I called you now and told you to come to my house i'm sure you would. If you weren't with me right now in my heart, i'd just be wasting my time staying up this late when i have work in the morning. 

So Easy

He kissed me in the parking lot and asked me if I knew what a kiss on the lips meant. I didn't want to answer because i did not want to show that emotion to that extent. But I told him over text. 

He makes loving him so easy. I don't need to do a lot to please him and he understands me so well. Everyday is a new thing with us. The connection is like no other. 

I'm shy because i want to do everything right that will make you happy. I can't stand the thought of messing things up between us. You already assured me that you're not giving up on me and I did the same. So it looks like we're stuck with each other.......... 

Kryptonite

How can you hurt someone without even knowing? Am i that lost in my fantasy world? 

Rumors have been spreading around work and I have been denying it but now you tell me that the rumors are starting to become reality. I feel like a fool. I don't wanna lead you on and then sink your ship. 

You're Superman and i'm kryptonite. I've tried staying far away to prevent even the slightest feeling of hurt because i know your heart can't take it but i allowed myself to become attached to you. And you did the same...  and now i realize that it was a mistake. I should have never let you in because now its hurting you. 

My heart isn't ready... I just need you to see that. I don't want to let you go but i won't be your kryptonite anymore. 

Learning to Love Again

With our past experiences, we can't help but guard our hearts. Funny thing about it, we act like we already trust each other with our hearts... and that's a great thing. 

You know what you have to do for yourself and you improve. I love to  see you take care of yourself for once instead of making other people your top priority and leaving yourself out. Your walls are still up but i'm helping you take them down one brick at a time. 

Time will heal and as the song goes , "We're not broken just bent and we can learn to love again." A true quote sung by a total maniac. The Lord has plans for us, we just have to take this thing that we have step by step. 

I'm noticing a change in you... And i like it. I just hope all goes well because i don't want that wall to go up and stay. 

Frozen

As the days go by I feel like I'm frozen solid. My feet cannot move because your grip is tight. You don't want me to forget you and I feel the same. 

How do I know that? Because i feel like we're communicating right now without even speaking. I wish i could hear from you now. Just one phone call. 

Valentines day is tomorrow and every girl is wishing for either a boyfriend, love or a box of chocolates and roses. All i want is to see you, hold you in my arms and know that you're back from your trip. 

My heart is always thinking about you, no matter how much i concentrate on other things. The fact that you're not near makes me feel insane. I cannot move on .. I'd rather wait. Because you're worth it.... 

Into The Distance

You said you was leaving and from the minute you spoke of it, I wanted to cry. I've only gotten to know you a bit and I wanna know more about you. It's so hard to think of you being away from me. 

You said you may not come back from the other country and I really hope and pray that you do. I understand that you need time and space to do something for yourself and your family so I can't be selfish. As I write this now, you're probably boarding your flight.. All I wish for, is for you to show up at my gate at this very minute but I know that won't happen. 

How can you just let people walk away from you when they have impacted your life greatly? No matter how far you are I'll be waiting for you. Even if you decide you don't wanna return i'll still keep some hope because I know all things are possible through Christ. 

You said you're a wanderer, so now its time for you to spread your wings and fly. I hope you find everything you're searching for. I got you. 

Running...

Your emotions may seem uncontrollable to you but you can control. You just have to dig deep. 

I know it's hard for you to let someone into your life again and I got the hint you threw out there for me today. You're afraid of getting attached to me... but you already are. Your heart is afraid to even pronounce the word love. 

I'm not asking for your love, I'm asking for permission to be there for you. You won't let me help you because you keep telling me you're fine when you're tearing up inside. Don't think I cannot see through the wall you have up. You can't run forever. 

Pictures

Pictures are the unwritten diaries that we keep and it holds a lot of memories. 

In my last relationship, pictures was more important than actual life events that should be remembered and cherished. Instead of living in the moment I used to want to just capture it, thinking that when I view them it would cause some kind of fulfilment. 

I've learnt that pictures can raise other people's expectations and when it's all over, it all fades away like ashes and all are deleted, hoping that the memories disappear as well. From now on, I do not want any pictures with me and my current friend (crush). I just want everything to be real and pure. 

When we laugh, we should see the grins on our own faces but the grins of each other. When we kiss it shouldn't be a still, it should be something that can be played on and on and can never be erased from some kind of memory device. 

My friend showed me a lot about breathing the fresh air instead of wasting time on the internet and he made a lot of sense. I spent most of my time online because that is where my relationship was... Because of the pictures that I posted with me and that person from the past. 

Now that I can resist and I have come back to reality, I know that I can have the best relationship in the future without technology being the centre of it. 

Be careful... Pictures can make a relationship less enjoyable. Just grasp what you have now before it's gone so fast that you can't even take a snapshot. 

"You're Amazing"

I remember the day I texted you and told you that. You asked me why I thought so and I told you everything about you. 

Love stories don't always go as planned. Sometimes you gotta kiss a few frogs before you can meet your prince but I can't find my prince until I find out what love is. I need to understand every concept so I would know what I'm in for. 

I don't want any setbacks and mistakes again. I want the real deal. The love that lasts throughout whatever. I believe love is beyond our imagination because it happens when we least expect it and with the person whom we least expect. Love is a riddle that only God knows. 

Love does not suck. The people we waste out time with is the thing that sucks when we refer to love as being a tragedy. You should know by now that i suppress my feelings. I can't help it because I don't want to rush into anything. I know you got a few cracks in the mud but I think a person can change if they really think someone is worth it. 

I hope I'm reading the signs right and I am so interested in seeing where our friendship goes. Until then, please continue to be amazing...

Walls

I can't help but feel sad because you don't want me involved in the way that I feel I already am. No matter what I say, you push me away. 

I didn't go to work because seeing you would remind me of how distant we have to be. I can hear your tears... It makes me feel like I wanna cry. 

I remember I told you its easy for me to shut off people but you're not the one I'll do that to. Its hard for me to leave you alone because you have already become a part of me. 

Where is the crazy dude who drove to my house in the middle of the night just to see me? I don't believe that was just a random act. It's because you feel the way I feel about you. You're afraid that I'll hurt you but you won't admit it. 

Just to relieve your mind, I won't show any love interest in you. I'll treat you as a friend to reassure you that I have patience and that I trust you can get over your situation. It's just I miss you.... I really miss you...Where are YOU? 

Putting Up A Fight

I know you're hurting because I can feel it. I feel you... You fight to hide the pain but I see through the walls you put up. You are so used to being rough and tough but never took the time to be soft. Your emotions haunt you because you always hide it with a fight. 

I'm not gonna leave you alone because you need me and I need you. You saved me from hurting and now its my turn to save you. 

Muscle can lift objects but it won't lift the pain that you're going through. Believe me when I say, I'm not leaving you alone. You're my responsibility from now on... 

Heart Skips

I don't know how to feel when i can be so easily replaced.. And by a dude. 

You're not gay, it's just that you crave attention and affection even if its from your best friend. I don't know why some part of me just feels like i don't care when it's really tearing me up inside. Why should i sulk when you're having fun?

I feel like your expectations of me are so high that when i cant come through for you, you find something else to occupy your mind. And then you give me this crap about "missing you". If you did, you wouldn't be there just not giving a damn whether i wanna talk to you or not. 

You're a big dumb dummy head. I just wanna scream.